Rivalry Is Urban vs. Suburban

The Kings and the Mighty Ducks, two hockey teams with absolutely nothing in common except 80-degree weather in December, met for the first time in a regular-season game Thursday night.

Inexplicably, the defending Stanley Cup finalists and the Anatolis-come-lately were tied at 20 points apiece.

Predictably, Coach Ron Wilson said his Ducklings would be psyched to the ceiling for this one, approaching it “like a playoff game.”

So, was a rivalry born?

Well, it was a painful experience, for sure, and somebody got spanked, but if this had been boxing instead of hockey--and at times it looked the part--Apollo Creed would have stepped in and decreed, “There will be no rematch.”

The Kings’ 3-2 victory at the Forum was as ugly as hockey gets, certainly frightening enough to send the players screaming for the exits as soon as they get a peek at the videotapes.

They should have played this one in the Forum parking lot. At midnight. Puck not required.

The Kings play their home games in a rough neighborhood and the Ducks took their when-in-Rome thing far too literally. They didn’t play the Kings so much as mug them--hooking and slashing, punching and jabbing, even dumping the Great One on his Great Keister midway through the third period.

For two periods, it was mud wrestling on ice. The Ducks, seeking to preserve their energy for more worthy pursuits, such as roughing and cross-checking, took as few shots on goal as possible, taking more swings at Kings than frozen rubber.

In the first period, the Ducks put three shots on net. The Kings had 18.

In the second period, the Ducks upped the tempo, getting outshot, 15-7.

At times, the Forum shot clock resembled the scoreboard at last Sunday’s 49ers-Rams game.

22-3.

26-4.

33-10.

Final total, after several minutes of garbage time: 38-24.

Stu Grimson played briefly, but made his presence quickly felt. The Grim Reaper first stepped onto the ice with 13:07 left in the first period. Twenty-nine seconds later, he was in the corner attempting to tenderize the face of King left winger Phil Crowe.

The Ducks flocked to the penalty box, setting up the Kings for three two-man advantages in the first period alone, including one spell of 2 1/2 consecutive minutes. The Kings scored their only goal of the period then, beating Guy Hebert, 5 on 3, but Peter Douris tied it on the Ducks’ third shot of the night and there the score stayed--1-1, well into the third period.

Jack Ferreira, Duck general manager, let out a roaring laugh when asked about the aesthetic quality of play in the first period.

“It was different,” Ferreira said, shaking his head. “Certainly not much flow to that period.”

He was grateful to be tied at the time, on the scoreboard and in the standings. The big picture genuinely surprised Ferreira, who, along with every other hockey fan in North America, never expected the Ducks and the Kings to be tied in the Pacific Division with the season more than a quarter old.

“You might think it could happen by the third or fourth game of the year,” Ferreira said, “not when you’re playing your 27th game and they’ve had their franchise for 25 years.”

Few teams could be more different, from style of play to history to reputation.

The Kings are totally urban, with their black-and-silver colors marketed toward the “Yo! MTV Raps!” generation.

The Ducks are Team Suburbia, their purple-and-green colors marketed straight at the “Sesame Street” generation.

The Kings’ star player is Wayne Gretzky, the greatest scorer in the history of hockey.

The Ducks’ star player is Anatoli Semenov, a 31-year-old Russian who scored 12 goals last season and is playing for his second expansion team in as many years.

The Kings are coached by Barry Melrose, who wears his hair like an aging spandex rocker and thinks the Tinker Bell character that anoints Duck goal scorers on TV broadcasts is a wimp.

The Ducks are coached by Ron Wilson, whose hair is closely cropped and whose wardrobe includes a seemingly endless supply of Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse neckties.

The Kings have a television play-by-play man, Bob Miller, who waited 21 years before calling his first Stanley Cup final.

The Ducks have a television play-by-play man, Chris Madsen, who calls every shot the Ducks take as if it is about to decide a Stanley Cup final.

But, then, that’s the essence of Mighty Duckdom. They’re young and they’re excitable. This is all new to them and they’re still flushed with we-think-we-can bravado.

Thinking and doing are two different things, however, and all the Ducks did in their first encounter with the Kings is thrash around on the ice.

Round 2 isn’t until Dec. 26, so the Ducks will have time to think this one over and maybe devise an alternate plan.

All we want for Christmas is a hockey rivalry worthy of the noun.