Cliff Notes on Playing Hockey the Disney Way

The napkin was found, wadded up, underneath a chair in the conference room of the Ritz-Carlton in Laguna Niguel, moments after the NHL Board of Governors meeting had broken up.

There was a phone book on the seat of the chair.

There was a lot of scribbling on the napkin, written in bold, aggressive, forceful strokes.

They appeared to be Gary Bettman’s notes.

They read:

1. SHOOTOUT. Michael Eisner’s big on this, so I’m for it, too.

2. DRAFT LOTTERY. Did Ottawa really tank those games last year? Who could tell? Must push hard for lottery, even though damn Canadians will hammer me for NBA-tizing their precious league again. Screw ‘em.

3. OILERS MOVE. “Minnesota Oilers.” Like it, like it. Gets me off hook for Stars’ move to Dallas. Edmonton won Grey Cup--they’ll get over it. Next, move Nordiques to Houston, Jets to San Diego, Canucks to Phoenix, Senators to Chattanooga and Maple Leafs to Jacksonville. Canadiens? Brian Burke says, “Better leave them alone.” Will discuss at later date.

4. MERCHANDISING LAWSUIT. No one can stop us from selling jerseys with players names on them if we want. Players can lump it. And if they speak out about it, I’ll fine their butts from here to Hartford.

5. PARTY AT POND. One-year anniversary for Ducks and me. Big blowout tonight. Manon Rheaume will be there. Remember to buy Mickey Mouse tie.

Yes, it has been a year.

Dec. 9, 1992--a day that will live in infamy for hockey fans who prefer their game without Tinker Bell instant replays, duck calls in the stands, skating cheerleaders chewing up the ice and overgrown duck mascots flapping around on overhead guy wires.

Last Dec. 9, the board of governors gave their approval for VirileDisney, a hockey theme park set in Anaheim, where characters are dressed in purple and green costumes, given cute nicknames (“The Grim Reaper”) and set forth to entertain the paying customers with one-goal and two-tooth losses.

Thursday’s convention in Laguna Niguel, then, amounted to an on-site inspection. How was the Orange County experiment working out? Was this town big enough for bad football, baseball and ice hockey teams? Was Orange County taking its Russian lessons-- Semenov . . . Kasatonov . . . Fedotov . . . Shtalenkov ?

A progress report:

Arena: Opulent to a fault. Polished brass and marble as far as the eye can see. Bruce McNall wants one just like it.

Attendance: Sellouts or near sellouts every night. Drew 17,000-plus for an afternoon game the day after Thanksgiving--against San Jose. On some nights come close to outdrawing the Lakers and the Clippers combined. The mighty duck has become the official bird of Orange County.

Front office: Tony Tavares, Jack Ferreira and Pierre Gauthier. Tavares, team president, hired General Manager Ferreira and assistant general manager Gauthier, who assembled roster from table scraps of NHL’s established teams. Came away with better goaltending than the Kings. Came away with harder-working defensemen than the Kings. Remained patient when the offense couldn’t put a puck in the ocean in October, refusing to panic and trade away valuable draft picks for over-the-hill wingers. Has yet to trade its most inspirational player to Pittsburgh for a non-scoring center, or a Hall of Fame defenseman to Detroit for a million-dollar player who sits in the press box. Bruce McNall wants one just like it.

Payroll: Second-lowest in the league--only $100,000 ahead of the Edmonton Oilers, the San Diego Padres of hockey. Highest-paid player is defenseman Alexei Kasatonov, who makes $650,000. That barely covers the cost of Ty Gretzky’s skating lessons. For $7.7 million, Ducks have put together a team with nine victories and 20 points in the standings. For $16.7 million, Kings have put together a team with 10 victories and 22 points. Kings beat the Ducks last week, 3-2.

Performance: Grunts On Ice. The Ducks sweat a lot, hit a lot, score on rare occasions. Team fares best when it mucks in the corners, pounds opposing forwards into the boards, plays off its goaltending and keeps the score as low as possible. Often, this makes for duller viewing than “Life With Mikey.” Most frequent final score: 4-3. Second most frequent final score: 3-2. Fear of embarrassment has been their biggest motivation to date. Record against NHL establishment: 9-11-2. Record against recent expansion teams: 0-7.

Personnel: Best player, Paul Kariya, is currently with the Canadian Olympic team. Second-best player, Anatoli Semenov, is currently sidelined with a dislocated elbow, out six to eight weeks. Front office will probably need to do more than recall Jarrod Skalde from San Diego. Top defensemen so far have been among the lowest drafted--Bobby Dollas went in the fourth round of the expansion draft, Mark Ferner in the last round. Goaltending tandem of Guy Hebert-Ron Tugnutt not quite up to snuff with Florida’s John Vanbiesbrouck-Mark Fitzpatrick, though still preferable to Kelly Hrudey-Robb Stauber.

Outlook: On pace for 26 victories and 58 points. Since 1968, the best finish by an expansion team belongs to the 1972-73 Atlanta Flames, who had 25 victories and 65 points. The Ducks will also make money, hand over fist, just as Eisner predicted.

Imagine what might be achieved if Eisner ever decides to spend some of it.