Tonya’s Not Ideal, but Still Belongs

Downey’s California:

--Skategate is in full spin. The issue now is no longer What Tonya Knew, but rather When She Knew It. Questions include: (a) Do you blame a woman for being reluctant to rat on her husband? (b) Did Tonya rat on Jeff only so she could cut a deal before he ratted on her? (c) Do you wipe out 20 years of work because young Ms. Harding hung around with an astounding assortment of creeps? And (d) When Charles Barkley strikes a fellow Olympian with an elbow and abhors being a role model, how much of an ideal “Olympian” is he?

I’ll hang with Harding a while longer. Let her skate.

--Michael Jordan. Figure skating. Don’t laugh. It could happen.

--The thing I’ll miss most about Howie Long not being inside the Raider locker room is the way everyone was unable to tell us apart.

--I believe the Buffalo Bills have an excellent chance to win Super Bowl XXVIII if they hire people with batons to hit every Dallas Cowboy across the knee.

--”Hi, I’m Kathleen Sullivan! Remember me from the Winter Olympics? Remember my morning talk show? Now I’m pitching weight-loss products on TV! I don’t think I’m fat. In fact, that guy from the L.A. Times thinks I look great. Nevertheless, thanks to new miracle Hefty Bag diet drink, pretty soon I’ll be skinny as Diana Ross! Well, let’s go get me weighed! Up I go, onto the scale! And holy cow! I’ve lost 28 pounds in 28 hours! Thanks, Hefty Bag! You’ll be seeing even less of me later on!”

--Drove around L.A. trying to find a movie theater playing “The Air Up There.” Couldn’t see the marquee.

--I now suspect Jeff Gillooly in the last two Leon Lett incidents.

--Struggling Davis Love III will win more of these golf tournaments as soon as the guy learns how to break 60.

--Michael Jordan. Evander Holyfield. Don’t laugh. It could happen.

--B.J. Armstrong and Kenny Anderson are the East’s starting guards in the NBA All-Star game. A year ago, I make the odds on that around a zillion-to-one against.

--Well, it’ll be the Bulls, Hawks, Cavaliers and Magic battling it out for the Eastern Conference title this season, due to massive chest injuries bound to be suffered by Patrick Ewing, John Starks and other Knicks who keep giving each other hi-sternums after baskets.

--Attention, attendance attendants: 17,507 at Anaheim Arena to see the California Clippers.

--Billy Crystal told me at a Clipper game two months ago that he didn’t intend to host the Academy Awards again. See, this is where Billy and I are so different. I always figured he would tell me at the Academy Awards that he didn’t intend to go to a Clipper game again.

--What’s really scary is, if Manning and Harper leave, the best basketball player in Los Angeles next season could be Harold Ellis.

--”Hi, I’m Kathleen Sullivan! Remember me from my last weight-loss commercial? It’s been one full week now and I’m full, too, from pounding down this delicious Hefty Bag diet drink! Well, let’s go get me weighed! Up I go, onto the scale! And holy mackerel! I’ve lost 70 pounds in seven days! I look like a Number 2 pencil! Thanks, Hefty Bag! You’ll be seeing even less of me later on!”

--By the time Fox gets finished, the only person left at CBS to report sports will be Angela Lansbury.

--Recommended reading: “Nothing But Net” (Hyperion, $22.95), a biography by Bill Walton with Gene Wojciechowski. Here’s that jacket blurb: Best book about a redhead since Huckleberry Finn.

--Michael Jordan. The English Channel. Don’t laugh. It could happen.

--I see where Scottie Pippen got busted for having a gun in his car. And you thought Jordan had a competition problem.

--”Forrest Gump” is one of the funniest books there is, and Tom Hanks one of the funniest actors there is. Therefore, I guess it’s unimportant that in the book, Forrest Gump--Alabama football player, Vietnam war hero, NASA astronaut, character who will be portrayed by Tom Hanks in the movie--happens to go 6 feet 6, 240 pounds. I guess nobody knew Howie Long was available.

--Manute Bol, released. Poor guy is so down, he must feel 7 feet tall.

--Why do Channel 4’s news anchors talk during Fred Roggin’s air time? He doesn’t talk during theirs.

--So help me, next time a newscast, sportscast or headline uses the phrase “On Thin Ice” about Tonya Harding again, I’m coming after them with an ice pick.

--My favorite Buffalo Bill is still Marvcus Patton. I can’t say why, except Marvcus is the kind of name that seems to go with a Roman numeral.

--Michael Jordan. Alaska. Dog sleds. Don’t laugh. It could happen.

--And the ESPY award for longest, loudest, most ear-splitting promotional buildup goes to . . . Chris Berman, ESPN!

--Put this in a three-inch headline: Dumping Gatorade on Jimmy Johnson’s head could be hazardous to the Gatorade.

--”Hi, I’m Kathleen Sullivan. I’m back for one more damn weigh-in. I’ve been guzzling this goo for two solid months now! I need solid food! I need some meat on my ribs! I need some ribs! I need onion rings! I need a Twinkie! Help me, people! OK, let’s go get me weighed. Holy guacamole! I’ve lost 125 pounds! I only weighed 126 in the first place! How do you reverse this process?! What the hell do you people care what I weigh? Get away from me! Get outta my face! I’m melting! I’m melting!”