The Quake Shakes Out Friends With Feet of Clay : Relationships: What are we to make of people we thought we could count on who never called to see if we were OK?

Everyone is talking about the compassion shown by strangers and neighbors in the aftermath of the Northridge quake. That our civil social bonds have not completely broken down is cause for celebration, but what happened to some personal bonds has left many of us disturbed. Quietly, among closest friends, we are talking about people we had counted on who let us down. In my friendship circle, everyone has somebody who just wasn’t there: cousins in Northridge who didn’t check on their elderly mother in Burbank, an aunt who didn’t call to see what she could do for a niece forced out of her Sherman Oaks apartment, boyfriends who didn’t call for several days--or at all--after the disaster. (Sadly, I count myself among the women who were hurt by guys we thought at least cared whether we lived or died.) One of my students was stunned that her baby’s father didn’t call.

Of course, in primary relationships, obligations to loved ones are a two-way street. Worried out-of-state relatives asked me to help contact a man in Encino who never thought to use a pay phone to make a reassuring call during the week his phone was out of order.

Balancing our disappointment was the tremendous reward and comfort when concerned friends and family persevered through days of jammed phone lines to make connections. I had at least 40 calls in the first three days, and as the week came to a close, I’d heard from several long-lost friends. These reconnections were an unanticipated bonus of our calamity. But as we heard from those at the outer edges of our personal network, the indifference of those we thought were closer made the hurt worse.

So what do we do now? Is it an over-reaction to write off family, friends and lovers who flunked God’s earthquake test? If we break off ties, it’s our loss, too, and that kind of loss isn’t covered by earthquake insurance. If we try to maintain ties, how do we forgive and forget? Or will we just end up lowering our expectations of that person and our relationship?

In the face of real physical suffering and loss, these disappointments may seem trivial. But for those of us who count some meaningful relationships among the treasures lost or damaged forever in the earthquake, maybe there’s comfort in knowing that we’re not alone.