She Would Hand-Check Team if She Handed Over a Check

Who’s that girl?

It’s Madonna, being spotted at NBA games these days, especially in New York and Miami and occasionally at the Forum.

The former high school cheerleader from Michigan--”I had a crush on all the players”--got hooked on pro basketball last season and has followed it enough to have a handful of favorites: Dennis Rodman (preferably as a blond), John Starks, Horace Grant, Brian Shaw, Charles Barkley and the Knicks.

“It reminds me of dancing,” she told USA Today. “I love the action. In football, I can’t see anything. The guys are all covered up and wearing helmets and all they do is run into each other. In basketball, though, you can see the guys’ legs and arms and faces. They’re so graceful. And it’s so in-your-face, so intimate.”

She has an interest in taking intimacy to greater lengths and buying an NBA team.

“Yes, a big interest,” she said. “It’s definitely a fantasy. I can see it happening in the future.”

“Would you be a hands-on owner?” she was asked.

“Definitely,” she said. “My hands would be all over the place.”

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Add Madonna: She can only talk about pro basketball teams as a fan, but she can talk about the dance teams as an expert.

Her analysis:

“There’s a lot of room for improvement. They should get up to date with the styles and music. I look at them and think Disneyland.”

And asked what she would change if she were NBA commissioner, Madonna said: “You know when they have the pregame introductions and they turn the lights down and the spotlight on? I’d have them play the whole game like that. It’s theater. More dramatic. I’d also have the cameras turn only one way. When I go to a basketball game, I have to ask myself if I’m in the mood for the cameras. It’s a bit annoying. Sometimes you’re picking your nose.”

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Trivia time: Which NBA team had three players who competed in the 1992 Olympic Games in basketball?

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Signs of the time: If people thought Michigan basketball players Jimmy King, Ray Jackson and Chris Fields got off with a slap on the wrist after pleading no-contest to stealing beer from a convenience store, Michigan State students offered justice.

When the Wolverines traveled to East Lansing, the crowd turned the Breslin Center into a different kind of court. Among the sentences on signs:

--”Move over Bud, the (Jimmy) King of beers goes to the U of M.”

--”More trouble in the Jackson family.”

--”0 points, 0 rebounds, 0 assists, 1 steal.”

The students also compiled a David Letterman-type top-10 list: “Why the U of M thinks beer is better than basketball.” Among the highlights: “Beer is easier to steal than the ball,” and “Hangovers are bad, but choking in the Final Four is worse.”

Michigan’s response? A 59-51 victory.

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You-know-who line of the day: Portland radio station KEX has run fake commercials for Shawn Eckardt’s Professional Bodyguard School. Among the classes offered:

“Overnight Surveillance: How many Big Macs are enough?”

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Trivia answer: The Minnesota Timberwolves, with Christian Laettner of the United States, Gundars Vetra of the Unified Team and Luc Longley of Australia.

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Quotebook: Bruce Coslet, former coach of the New York Jets, on free agency in the NFL: “It’s like recruiting for college, only the money’s on the table instead of under it.”