Mighty Ducks Are Definitely Lacking Ov-erall

The last time this happened--Duck pate on ice, served as a tasty Shark hors-d’oeuvre--San Jose assistant coach Drew Remenda shook his head in sympathy for old friend, old boss and current Mighty Ducks general manager, Jack Ferreira.

“Poor Jack,” Remenda muttered. He knew how much these games meant to Ferreira, who was fired in San Jose two years ago, and how it had to be killing Ferreira to watch his new team fall to 0-5 against the Sharks.

That was seven weeks ago.

So what was the word Sunday after San Jose made the scoreboard and the season series read the same--Sharks 6, Ducks 0?

How about lucky Jack?

Ferreira never saw this one, by the grace of his travel agent. By the time the puck was dropped inside here, soon to wind up in the netting behind Ducks goalie Guy Hebert, Ferreira was half a world away, somewhere in Russia, scouting a bunch of players who--if Ferreira knows what’s best for his team--have last names that end in ov.

Makarov.

Larionov.

Garpenlov.

If you’re looking for reasons why the Ducks will finish their first season winless against the Sharks, and why the Sharks now lead the Ducks by five points in the race for the playoffs, those are three pretty good ones.

And if you’re looking for another? Arturs Irbe, San Jose goalie by way of Riga, Latvia, who shut out the Ducks for the second time this season.

One more? How about Sandis Ozolinsh, also from Riga, whose two goals Sunday made him the first Shark defenseman to score 20 goals in a season.

The Sharks call their opulent new home, rather blandly, “San Jose Arena.” “The Russia House” is more to the point, what with all the former Red Army soldiers zipping around the place in teal and silver.

“I feel like I’m covering the Moscow Dynamo,” cracked one Bay Area reporter, trying not to get trampled by the foreign syllables.

Sergei Makarov, the Gretzky of 1980s Soviet hockey, scored the first goal Sunday, assisted on the second and third and drove home the fifth--all within the game’s opening 27 minutes.

Igor Larionov, the Voskresensk Flash (easy for him to say), assisted on three goals and Johan Garpenlov, who further confuses the issue, contributed a goal and an assist. Garpenlov sounds like a Russian name but his media-guide bio insists that his birthplace is Stockholm, Sweden.

Or at least that’s the word according to Garpenlov.

So if you want to know what’s holding back the Ducks, there you have it: A serious lack of ovs.

Might Alexei Kasatonov, the Ducks’ injured all-star defenseman, have helped the cause?

“Oh no,” Ducks Coach Ron Wilson said. “Kasatonov actually plays worse against them. He’s afraid of them.”

Wilson did, however, try Mikhail Shtalenkov, his backup goaltender, after Hebert skated off the ice seeing flashes. Red flashes, three of them, coming one right after another in the game’s first 17 minutes.

Shtalenkov knew the language, but that’s about it. Soon, he, too, was studying frozen rubber. Ozolinsh scored on him five minutes into the second period, followed by Makarov two minutes later, followed by Todd Elik--a rarity among Sharks; he’s from Canada--in the third period.

The 6-0 loss was the worst of the Ducks’ season, in margin of defeat and timing. Wilson had called this game the most important of the year, but before the first period was over, he could begin formulating his postgame spin.

“Just one game,” Wilson said in the hall outside the visiting dressing room. “A big game, sure, but just a game. . . . I mean, we’re still only five points back. It’s not like we’re 30 points back.”

No, but take a gander at this math, Ducks:

San Jose’s 6-0 season sweep of the Ducks represents a 24-point swing in the standings. Twenty-four points--as many as the 1992-93 Sharks managed all season.

The Duck Quotient has transformed the Sharks from the worst outfit this side of Ottawa to playoff contenders. Take away the Ducks and those six victories and San Jose has 48 points--fewer than Hartford and Tampa Bay.

Now, suppose the Ducks had gone 2-4 instead of 0-6 against San Jose. Not an outlandish thought; the first four games were decided by one goal. Had the Ducks beaten the Sharks just twice, they today would hold the eighth playoff spot in the Western Conference with 59 points. San Jose would be three points behind at 56.

“What if, what if,” Ducks captain Troy Loney grumbled as he tried to pedal off the frustration on an exercise bicycle. “What if we won all the games we’ve lost by one goal, too? We could talk about that forever.”

The teams are more evenly matched, Loney claimed, than 0-6 would suggest.

“It seems like that one line kills us all the time,” Loney said, referring to the Makarov-Larionov-Garpenlov line. “When you play against a line like that, all five of your guys have to be on the same page. I think we just lack a little confidence when that line’s out there.”

Hebert had to agree.

“Their other lines have some scorers, but they’re mainly just hard-nosed workers, similar to most of our lines,” Hebert said. “But when that one line gets on the ice, everyone in the arena is aware. They’re the ones who make the big plays. The stat sheet reads the same every night.”

When the Sharks play the Ducks, it does. That’s why Ferreira is dragging his suitcase around in a different hemisphere, looking for some big names, some long names, to rectify this ov ful situation.