Are These Dodgers or U.N.?

Downey’s California:

--On that day Chan Ho Park, Mike Piazza, Eric Karros, Delino DeShields, Jose Offerman and Tim Wallach meet in the infield of Dodger Stadium to discuss a batter, it’s going to resemble an emergency meeting of the United Nations.

--The Dodgers now have everything but a British bullpen stopper and Vietnamese outfielders.

--Ahhh, I can almost hear Vin Scully now. “Doesn’t a combination of Park and Piazza sound like a pleasant place to spend a summer afternoon?”

--Maybe Michael Jordan should start with T-ball.

--Jose Canseco’s won-lost record this spring is still 0-0, with an earned-run average of 0.00.

--Leo Durocher, R.I.P.: Nice guys get into Hall of Fame last.

--This is my first year as a baseball fan that I can’t name the managers of all the teams.

--If Michael Jordan can turn White Sox baseball into a pro-am event, I don’t see any reason Bill Murray can’t with the Cubs.

--Baseball doesn’t even have a commissioner to keep Bill off the grass.

--I can’t wait for “Everything I Did as Baseball Commissioner,” Fay Vincent’s new two-page biography.

--More bedtime stories: “We Played the Game: 65 Players Remember Baseball’s Greatest Era, 1947-1964” (Hyperion, $35), edited by Danny Peary. Good news is, it’s good reading. Bad news is, at 643 pages, bring a lunch.

--Right now I foresee the 1995 all-lefty pitching rotation for the Angels as being Mark Langston, Chuck Finley, Joe Magrane and Ila Borders of Southern California College, so somebody start getting her uniform ready.

--My 4-5-6 hitters for the Angels would be Eduardo, Snow and Bo.

--In “Blue Chips II,” Temple Coach John Chaney threatens to kill Nick Nolte.

--I now fear two loud noises: One, another earthquake. Two, if a Bob Knight team ever loses again by 50 points.

--Next Sunday, the NCAA will announce who gets to defeat Arizona in the first round of the tournament.

--I don’t believe for a minute that Arizona State’s basketball players shaved points. I have never seen an Arizona State player who needed to miss shots on purpose.

--NBA MVP? David Robinson, an officer and a gentleman.

--Robinson should take all the major awards this season, including most bizarre teammate.

--Scottie Pippen claims white guys don’t get booed. He should read my mail.

--Here’s a trade proposal: Ron Harper to the Chicago Bulls for anybody.

--I hear the catch holding up the Lakers from getting Derrick Coleman away from New Jersey is the Benoit has to stay there clause.

--Mike Tyson supposedly now weighs well under 200 pounds. By the time he’s out, he might have to fight welterweight.

--Donald Trump’s attorneys are lining up a prison charity bout between Tyson and that guy who was so fond of Marla’s shoes.

--The runner-up runner in the L.A. Marathon kept waiting for the front-running runner to quit running. Funny, this is the same thing that keeps happening to the horses I bet on at Santa Anita.

--It took the L.A. Marathon winner 2 hours 12 minutes 13 seconds to win, exactly what it took me to drive home from downtown.

--Two of the things we keep running in the newspaper are the world tennis rankings and the world golf rankings. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever heard anybody discuss the world tennis rankings or the world golf rankings?

--Chris Miller could be just the quarterback to lift the Rams as high as third in their division.

--Well, it’s Wednesday. Isn’t it about time the Kings made a trade involving Marty McSorley?

--I see no reason Gordie Howe has to jump up and hop on a plane every time Wayne Gretzky approaches one of his records. That’s a lot of jumping and a lot of hopping. Stay home, Gordie. You don’t have to congratulate a person in person. That’s why God invented telegrams.

--Sorry, Kings. I still see a Canadien-Duck championship series.

--The late, great John Candy was a big man and a big sports fan. Funniest TV skit I ever saw him do, he played Babe Ruth. A sick kid in a hospital asks the Babe to hit him a homer. Babe (Candy) says, “Sure, kid.” Sick kid says: “Make it two homers.” Babe says OK. Sick kid says: “Now eat 20 hot dogs.” Babe starts eating the dogs. Sick kid says: “Hopping on one foot.” Babe hops. Sick kid says: “Now do a cartwheel.” Babe goes for the kid’s throat and has to be pulled off him. Thank you, John. You made us laugh and laugh and laugh.