Jokes

Conan O’Brien on an 89-year-old woman arrested in Texas for dealing drugs: “In her statement to the police, the old woman said, ‘I remember when a dime bag cost a nickel.’ ”

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Vice President Al Gore told some of the jokes about himself that he likes best on PBS’ Charlie Rose show. Among them:

If you use a strobe light, it looks like Al Gore’s moving.

Al Gore’s so stiff, racks buy their suits off him. *

I tried to teach spiritual values,

I tried to guide my children well.

I told them money isn’t everything,

I lied like hell. --Anne Goldman, Lakewood

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Club Watch: Why do guys always hit on waitresses?

“Because if they reject us,” comic Bruce Fine says, “we can still order them around.” *

Reader Lori Ittner of Culver City can’t remember where she got this joke but says it’s old:

Novice Farmer Jones bought 20 pigs at auction, only to learn that all were female. So he asked Farmer Brown if he could take his pigs to Brown’s farm to mate with his male pigs.

Brown agreed, so Jones loaded the pigs in his truck and took them to frolic with Brown’s pigs. That evening, Jones picked them up and asked Brown: “How will I know they’re pregnant?” Brown replied: “If the pigs are grazing tomorrow morning--something pigs never do--they’re pregnant.”

Next morning, Jones saw that the pigs weren’t grazing, so he loaded them into the truck and took them back to Brown’s. When the pigs didn’t graze the next day, he repeated the procedure.

Feeling very discouraged the following morning, Jones told his wife: “Honey, I don’t have the heart to go look. Please tell me what the pigs are doing.”

She looked out the window and said: “Well, they’re not grazing. Most of them are in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

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Robin Westmiller of Thousand Oaks says it’s true:

On a drive to Palm Springs, my mother decided to play a game with my daughters. She gave them clues to guess what she was thinking.

Mom picked “Your Name” as a topic and gave the clue: “You sometimes change it when you get married . “

My 7-year-old daughter answered: “Your attitude.”

She won.