Laugh Lines

Six days and counting until David Letterman hits L.A. Here’s what he says are some Signs You’ve Chosen a Bad Plastic Surgeon:

* Your nose is attached with Velcro.

* In the operating room, you notice a lot of cans of Play-Doh.

* Your new cheek implants feel suspiciously like ketchup packets.

* Paper bags with eyeholes for sale in the reception area.

* His waiting room is crawling with Jacksons.

* At first visit, he nervously asks: “You didn’t see ’60 Minutes’ last Sunday, did you?”

* You’re a guy, you go in for a nose job and you come out a triple D.

* Your name is Cher.

Don’t forget our LL contest: Top 10 Reasons David Letterman Should Move His Late Show to L.A.--Permanently. Entry deadline: 9 a.m. Friday.

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Comedy writer Tony Peyser says that among his favorite stories in the new Russian edition of Cosmopolitan are:

* “How to Be Great in Bed . . . Even if You Don’t Have One.”

* “Borscht: Hot New Aphrodisiac.”

Peyser says plans are now under way for a sequel to the surprise hit movie, “Four Weddings and a Funeral.” It will be L.A.-based and titled, “Four Divorces and a Really Unpleasant Custody Battle.”

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Jerry Seinfeld, appearing on Letterman, offered his insights into the nature of crime:

“When dealing with serial killers, the best thing is to be a neighbor. The neighbor always has to survive so that they can talk about them to the media. Neighbors of serial killers never hear anything--they only complain when someone’s stereo is turned up too loud.”

Seinfeld wondered about the guy assigned to make the chalk outlines of murder victims:

“How do you get this job? Are these guys just sketch artists who weren’t good enough? They tell them, ‘Could you just trace this guy?’ ”

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Comic Sib Ventress has a compromise for the government of Singapore in the Michael Fay affair:

“We’ll send Darryl Strawberry to administer the caning. There’s a slim chance he’ll hit anything, and an even slimmer chance that he’ll even show up.”

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Margie Monroy of Carlsbad says her “career-woman daughter” also fancies herself a gardener:

Last summer she included “giant dill” in her plantings. Viewing the lovely green growth with her sister-in-law, she commented that although the plant was doing well, no pickles had appeared on it.

“Perhaps,” her sister-in-law said as she eyed the plant, “we should pull up one of the plants. Maybe the pickles grow under the ground like carrots.”