LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Jay Leno on Mile High Airlines, where passengers can have sex in an airplane: “The cabin is divided into two sections: smoking and really smoking.”

*

Club comic Argus Hamilton reports that after the President spoke with Native American tribal leaders recently, they gave Clinton a new name: Loud Thunder, No Rain.

Clinton is so desperate for foreign policy advice, Hamilton adds, that he called Rich Little and asked him to do Richard Nixon.

*

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 Signs Your Local 7-Eleven Manager Has Gone Nuts:

* Claims to be engaged to the cardboard cut-out of Kathy Ireland holding a pack of Bud.

* You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes, and yet he gives you service.

* Operates store two blocks from the White House and doesn’t sell fries.

Don’t forget our Laugh Lines contest: Top 10 Reasons David Letterman Should Move His Late Show to L.A.--Permanently. Entry deadline: 9 a.m. Friday. See address and fax number at left.

*

Space has been set aside at some malls across the country for high school, adult education and graduate school classes. If this catches on, wonders comedy writer Tony Peyser, will students eventually ditch the mall and hang out at school all day?

*

Funny in print: Every night the woman’s husband would stagger home drunk and every night she would meet him at the door with a tongue-lashing.

One day, her best friend told her that she was going about it the wrong way.

“Next time he comes home drunk,” she advised, “have a sandwich ready for him and treat him nice.” With no better plan, she was willing to give it a try.

That night when her husband came home, blitzed as usual, she greeted him with, “I’m so happy to see you, baby. Why don’t we go into the kitchen, have a bite to eat, talk awhile and then go to bed?”

“Why not?” he slurred. “I’m going to catch hell when I go home anyway.”

--Playboy, June, 1994

*

Comedy writer Bob Mills says he couldn’t believe the first four signatures that turned up on Pope John Paul II’s cast: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

*

Virginia Cornell of Carpinteria says her husband doesn’t pay much attention to sports or religion:

“The other day, I said to him, ‘Two San Diego Padres have been charged with propositioning an undercover policewoman who was posing as a prostitute in New York.’ ”

“His shocked reply: ‘Were they Franciscans?’ ”