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JOKES

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Jay Leno on Koko, the gorilla who knows sign language: “Researchers are having a hard time getting her to mate. The male gorillas are complaining that whenever they get together, all she wants to do is talk . . . talk . . . talk. . . .

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Funny in clubs: Comic Carol Siskind on why she quit smoking:

“I was sick of spending Thanksgiving outside alone every year. I had nieces and nephews I never met. They’d be up against the window every year saying, ‘Is she ever coming in? Who is she?’ ”

In a wistful mood, Siskind laments that she never had an older sister:

“An older sister could have given me dating tips and told me how to put on makeup. All my brothers ever taught me was how to undo a bra with my teeth.”

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She also says her social life is on the skids:

“I’m in such a slump. Right now, I’m between fantasies.”

HIV-positive comedian Steve Moore says people are sometimes shocked to hear him joke about his condition.

“They say, ‘How can you find humor in the AIDS virus?’ Well, I’ve been a comic for 15 years--I don’t have any other skills.”

Comic Karen Lorshbough relates the following fable:

A man is walking down the street when he meets God. He asks God, “Why did you make women so beautiful?”

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God answers, “So you will love them.”

Then he asks, “Why did you make women so soft?”

God answers, “So you will love them.”

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Then he asks, “Why did you make them so stupid?”

God answers, “So they will love you.”

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A $193-million computerized baggage system at Denver International Airport is working so poorly that the facility’s opening may be postponed for a fourth time. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says some of the missing luggage actually turned up recently on the set of NBC’s “Wings.”

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“Rush Limbaugh really has the heart of a liberal,” comic Argus Hamilton says. “It’s in a jar on his desk.”

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When the Rev. Robert A. Fambrini learned that he would be leaving Church of the Blessed Sacrament in Hollywood, he broke the news to his parish with this story:

One Sunday, a pastor went to the pulpit in his church and told his congregation that he was being transferred, but not to worry.

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After the Mass, he went outside and found several parishioners visibly upset, some even crying.

“I told you not to be upset,” the pastor said. “The bishop has promised a good man to take my place.”

From the crowd, a young man shouted back: “That’s what he promised the last time!”

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