JOKES

Jay Leno on Koko, the gorilla who knows sign language: “Researchers are having a hard time getting her to mate. The male gorillas are complaining that whenever they get together, all she wants to do is talk . . . talk . . . talk. . . .

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Funny in clubs: Comic Carol Siskind on why she quit smoking:

“I was sick of spending Thanksgiving outside alone every year. I had nieces and nephews I never met. They’d be up against the window every year saying, ‘Is she ever coming in? Who is she?’ ”

In a wistful mood, Siskind laments that she never had an older sister:

“An older sister could have given me dating tips and told me how to put on makeup. All my brothers ever taught me was how to undo a bra with my teeth.”

She also says her social life is on the skids:

“I’m in such a slump. Right now, I’m between fantasies.”

HIV-positive comedian Steve Moore says people are sometimes shocked to hear him joke about his condition.

“They say, ‘How can you find humor in the AIDS virus?’ Well, I’ve been a comic for 15 years--I don’t have any other skills.”

Comic Karen Lorshbough relates the following fable:

A man is walking down the street when he meets God. He asks God, “Why did you make women so beautiful?”

God answers, “So you will love them.”

Then he asks, “Why did you make women so soft?”

God answers, “So you will love them.”

Then he asks, “Why did you make them so stupid?”

God answers, “So they will love you.”

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A $193-million computerized baggage system at Denver International Airport is working so poorly that the facility’s opening may be postponed for a fourth time. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says some of the missing luggage actually turned up recently on the set of NBC’s “Wings.”

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“Rush Limbaugh really has the heart of a liberal,” comic Argus Hamilton says. “It’s in a jar on his desk.”

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When the Rev. Robert A. Fambrini learned that he would be leaving Church of the Blessed Sacrament in Hollywood, he broke the news to his parish with this story:

One Sunday, a pastor went to the pulpit in his church and told his congregation that he was being transferred, but not to worry.

After the Mass, he went outside and found several parishioners visibly upset, some even crying.

“I told you not to be upset,” the pastor said. “The bishop has promised a good man to take my place.”

From the crowd, a young man shouted back: “That’s what he promised the last time!”