‘90s FAMILY : On Their Best Restaurant Behavior : Eating out with the kids doesn’t have to be a food fight. Teach them what’s appropriate--and putting a french fry in someone’s hair isn’t.

Adrian and Larry Miller of Beverly Hills take their three children--Daniel, 11, Felicia, 8, and Madeline, 3--out to dinner at least once a week.

“We have always taken them out to nice restaurants, mostly because we love food,” Adrian Miller said. “When we go out, we have high expectations and (the children) know they can come out to eat with us if they behave.”

They usually do behave, she said. But not all parents--or nearby diners--are so lucky.

“Kids are unpredictable, (but) by the time a child is 4 or 5 years old they should have a sense of what is appropriate behavior in a restaurant,” said Judi Craig, a San Antonio psychologist, parenting columnist and author of the book “Parents on the Spot--What to Do When Kids Put You There” (William Morrow and Co./Skylight Press, 1994).

Craig said good restaurant behavior can be taught.

First, parents need to coach children on the difference between a loud outdoor voice and a quiet indoor voice--something especially hard for overly active children to master, Craig said. She suggests a simple incentive system.

“Sitting still in a restaurant can be another tough one. Begin by setting a timer at home and again using the incentive system,” she said.

Before going in, Susan Stevens of Saugus instructs her three sons--Garrett, 7, Kyle, 3, and Corry, 19 months--to use their “best restaurant behavior.”

“I tell them if they misbehave, we will go to the car and wait until everybody else is done,” she said. It is a rule she has had to enforce only a couple of times.

“Most parents take pride in how well their children behave when eating out,” said Steve Russell, general manager for Old Country Buffet in Kalamazoo, Mich., a family-restaurant chain based in the Midwest.

“Most parents are trying to correct the problem, and people usually know that. I find that table manners really begin at home. Most children know the common courtesies, like ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ but children need good table manners whether they’re in a McDonald’s or a restaurant with table service,” he said.

Parents and other experts say common sense should prevail. Tired or very hungry children will not do well on a Friday night at the busiest place in town.

“It’s unreasonable to ask small children to wait for a table and then wait for dinner too,” Miller said. “We either make reservations or go when it won’t be so crowded.”

Daphne Vaccarello of Stanton always brings a small snack or asks for crackers when she and her husband, Tom, take Christopher, 4, and Daniel, 2, out to eat. “When a child sits at a table he expects to be fed,” she said.

Ordering appetizers or finger foods can tide kids over until the meal arrives, but don’t expect to have serious adult conversation with preschoolers at the table.

“Your main focus is taking care of the kids and keeping them entertained,” Vaccarello said. Like many parents, she totes crayons, paper or other materials for quiet activities that will keep her children busy.

Miller finds little things, such as ordering special drinks and appetizers for the children, can make eating out a big deal.

Mike DeLuca, editor in chief of Restaurant Hospitality magazine, said parents should encourage the waiter or waitress to include the children in the dining experience: “Children like to be spoken to. It makes them feel important.”

Kids wield impressive clout in the restaurant industry. According to the latest U.S. Census Bureau projections, the population of children age 5 to 13 is expected to increase by 4 million during the 1990s, and restaurateurs are following the demographics. Many bistros are turning in white tablecloths and bud vases for butcher paper and crayons.

“Chains like Bennigan’s and Friday’s that catered to singles in the ‘70s and early ‘80s are good examples of places that changed their image to keep those same customers who are now moms and dads,” DeLuca said.

Besides children’s menus and crayons, other ideas that have become part of attracting family dollars include hands-on activity centers, magicians and giveaways, such as craft kits, finger puppets and toys.

“We know that a place offering a children’s menu will probably be more tolerant of kids. If they offer balloons or have video games, it’s an added bonus,” Vaccarello said.

Many families find that taking the kids to dinner is cheaper than hiring a baby-sitter. In fact, some restaurants have even put child care on the menu.

Until January’s Northridge earthquake, Tampico Tilly’s in Santa Monica provided a supervised play area. At A Piece of Quiet in Denver, children are supervised in a playroom separated by a one-way soundproof glass wall. While mom and dad enjoy fine dining on white table linens, the kids are playing and enjoying their meals in a scaled-down setting within eye-shot. Bistro Banlieue in Chicago provides dinner guests with vouchers for a nearby child-care center.

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Letting your children disturb other diners is the ultimate restaurant sin.

“If your child is going to be disruptive and it’s not working out, just get up and leave,” Craig said.

Unattended children are a potential problem and definitely an annoyance to other guests, said Russell, of Old Country Buffet.

“Young children will have small outbursts,” he said. “In a family restaurant it usually goes unnoticed. In fact, most people are giggling or smiling because we’ve all been through it. If the problem is handled quickly, it’s fine.”

Lori Khessali recalled a particularly harrowing experience in an upscale restaurant a couple of years ago involving her son, then 3.

“When we got there, Alexander wouldn’t sit in his chair. Then he started throwing silverware from the table. The waiter brought pickles to the table, which (Alexander) then flung across the room,” said Khessali, of Coral Springs, Fla.

“Then Alexander got down and sat on an elderly gentleman’s lap at another table. . . . The manager moved our food and everything to another table. Meanwhile, Alexander is lying in the main aisle as waitresses are stepping over him. The management told us to handle the problem or leave.

“Eventually, we got him to the table to eat. There was a woman with teased hair sitting behind us. Alexander put a french fry in her hair without her knowledge. At that point, the manager packed up our food and showed us the door.

“He’s really a good kid,” Khessali said with a sigh. “It’s just when you take him to a restaurant. . . .”