LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Convention Update: Members attending the National Rifle Assn.’s annual gathering in Minneapolis were turned away at the door if they didn’t set off the metal detectors, reports comedy writer Bob Mills.

Dress at the awards dinner, Mills says, was black-tie--formals for the women and camouflage hunting tuxedos for the men.

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Comic Dennis Miller says that while most NRA members stayed at Minneapolis hotels, they refused to register at the front desk.

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Overheard: Pastor Cecil Murray of Los Angeles First AME Church, speaking to clergy last week in Reseda:

A well-dressed man was thrown from his car in a traffic accident. When a paramedic approached the bleeding man lying in the road, the victim was moaning, “Ohhhh, my BMW, my BMW!”

“Forget your car,” the paramedic told the man. “We can’t find your left arm!”

The man, horrified, looked to his left side, and moaned again: “Ohhhh, my Rolex, my Rolex!” --John Dart

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While standing in line recently at Philippe, a woman was talking about a book: “Women Who Write Too Much and the Men Who Publish Them.” --Larry Harnisch

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Short takes: Dennis Miller, on Michael Fay, whose mother visited him in Singapore last week for the first time since his caning:

“She says he’s counting the days he has left in prison, but I would venture to guess he’s not marking them off on the wall.”

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Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the news that drug dealers are buying baby formula to cut the potency of cocaine and heroin:

“After interrogating local dealers, police determined that all addicts using the formula are now sleeping through the night.”

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Jay Leno, on Howard Stern running for governor of New York: “Did you ever think we’d miss the political wisdom of Sonny Bono?”

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Leno, on the student sent home from school for wearing condoms attached to her clothing:

“If I were a parent, I don’t think I’d worry if my daughter wore a condom to school. I’d worry if she came home without it.”

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Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on recently released Energy Department records showing that radiation testing on people during the 1940s was far more widespread than originally thought:

“So, kids, remember: If you think your parents are weird, it may not be their fault.”

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While baby-sitting her grandchildren and their playmates, Barbara Aspenson of L.A. heard one child say, “Let’s play house.” Replied another:

“OK. I’ll be the mother and you can be the father and you can be the stepmother and you can be the stepfather.”