LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 signs that your kid is watching too much TV:

* Instead of coughing, emits short bursts of static.

* Most TV commercials have begun addressing him by name.

* You can adjust his volume using the remote control.

* Room covered with giant posters of shirtless Bob Barker.

* He’s 6 and his (butt) covers entire couch.

* Always answers in the form of a question.

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Parents want a Chicago elementary schoolteacher fired for posing this word problem to his class:

Rufus is pimping three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn before Rufus can pay for his $800-a-day crack habit?

Comedy writer Tony Peyser says a school official is upset because “kids aren’t supposed to be getting such difficult questions until junior high.”

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Comic Argus Hamilton, on the genetically engineered tomato that ripens without getting soft: “It’s amazing what scientists can do. Someday they may be able to create a Democrat with fiscal responsibility or a Republican with a social conscience.”

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The elderly couple went to the doctor’s office and told him they wanted him to watch them make love. The doctor was puzzled but agreed.

When they finished, he told them that there was nothing wrong with the way they had sex and charged them $20. This happened several weeks in a row, before the doctor finally asked what they were trying to find out.

The old man replied that they were not trying to find out anything:

“She is married so we can’t go to her house. Same with me. Holiday Inn charges $60 and Hilton $52. We do it here for $20. I get back $16 from Medicare for a doctor’s office visit, collect $4 from Prudential and claim the mileage on my income tax return.”

--L.T. (Bud) Rose

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After telling a patient that he had only six months to live, the doctor asked him what he planned to do.

“I’m moving in with my mother-in-law,” the patient replied. “That way, I’m guaranteed the longest six months of my life.”

--Armando Acuna

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In Boston, MIT students put a police car on top of the Capitol dome. This may be the first time that law and order has risen above politics.

--Wilfred Couzin

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Reader Jayne Lenk recalls when her grandson, 7, found his bird dead at the bottom of its cage:

His mother got a shoe box, put the bird in it and she and his 5-year-old brother took the box out to the trash can and gave last rites. Later, the 7-year-old asked his mother if the bird would go to heaven.

The 5-year-old piped up and said: “Now he’s going to the dump!”