LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the Modesto woman who claims that Michael Jackson fathered her 10-year-old son: “Is that unbelievable? Dated her son maybe, but fathered him? . . . A paternity suit filed against Michael Jackson? He’s probably the only guy whose career this actually helps.”

After his nomination as the Republican candidate in Virginia for a U.S. Senate seat, Oliver North quickly assured voters that he believed in the two-party system. That means the Contras and the Sandinistas, says comic Bruce Bellingham.

North’s opponent, Sen. Charles Robb, has admitted to extramarital affairs, says Bellingham: “You might call him a Clinton Democrat.”

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 Bob Barker pick-up lines:

* “Come back to my place so I can give you a lovely parting gift.”

* “Baby, you’re the next contestant in the Game of Love.”

* “I’ve made thousands of women scream and jump up and down.”

* “Maybe it’ll be easier for you to guess the price of that water bed if we test it out first.”

* “Don’t worry, I’ve been neutered.”

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Parameters of a friendship: “An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.”

--Jim Hayes

Sign seen in a pharmacy window: “With us, accuracy isn’t just another 10-letter word.”

--Bert O. States

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Several versions from several sources:

Two very elderly women friends were chatting when one surprised the other: “I’m getting married.”

The second woman replied: “How old is he?”

84.

Is he handsome?

Not really, just average.

Is he rich?

No.

Is he good in bed?

Get serious.

Then why are you marrying him?

He can drive at night. *

Reader Carol Close recalls when she and her husband took their children to see “Aladdin”:

“Just when Aladdin kisses Jasmine, and through the din of all the kids in the theater booing, I thought I heard my 5-year-old son Collin exclaim: ‘They’re affectionate.’

When the theater quieted, I repeated it loudly enough so my husband, on the other side of our three kids, could hear what Collin had said.

“I was embarrassed to hear our son correct me even louder, so the whole theater could hear: ‘I said they were Frenching it.’ ”