LAUGH LINES : Jokes
World Cup Update: On Wednesday, 11 men in short pants did what the DEA, FBI, Coast Guard and thousands of cops couldn’t do in 40 years: They stopped a major Colombian export.
--Jim Hayes
Some World Cup visitors to L.A. will be surprised to learn that, unlike most of the world’s major cities, we have no “red light” district for prostitutes. Instead, we have a white light district . . . should anyone feel the need to meditate.
--Brian Horan
Overheard, from a soccer hooligan: “We wouldn’t riot in L.A. That would be too easy.”
--Joe Kevany
The three great tenors--Carreras, Domingo and Pavarotti--are all soccer buffs and have a concert scheduled during the World Cup for July 16 at Dodger Stadium. This raises a question: Who will throw out the first pitch?
--Ruth L. Smith
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David Letterman, on Clinton’s news conference: “He said he’d like to put this Paula Jones situation behind him . . . and get back to dating again.”
Jay Leno, on a book about dreams, many of them sexual, that women around the country have had about the President: “Clinton bought the book, read it and is furious. . . . There’s not one name, not one phone number. How’s he supposed to get in touch with these women?”
Leno, on romance experts saying there are 13 sure-fire ways women can please a man in bed: “You know what No. 1 is? Show up. In fact, I think that’s Nos. 1 through 12.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on plans to build the George Bush Presidential Library on the campus of Texas A&M;: “That just doesn’t seem right. Shouldn’t his monument be at a Texas S&L;?
Hamilton reports that the falling U.S. currency rates on world markets has spawned a new tourist attraction in London: “People are flocking to the American Express office twice a day to see the changing of the dollar.”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on several U.S. companies building a chain of world-class vacation resorts in Vietnam: “Americans opposed to the resorts are being advised to book their vacations in Canada.”
The father of Michael Fay, the American student caned in Singapore, says his son’s story would not make for a classy movie, that “it would make just trashy Sunday night television garbage.” In other words, says comedy writer Tony Peyser, “it most certainly will wind up on Fox.”
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Leah Michaels-Pozil of Los Angeles spent 27 years in the L.A. Unified School District before retiring:
My kindergartners always loved “free choice” time, when they could select from a number of activities. At the beginning of one school year, one boy started to cry when it was time for free choice, so I asked him why.
His reply: “Do I have to do whatever I want to do?”
