WORLD CUP USA ’94 / THE FIRST ROUND : Spotlight : USING YOUR HEAD IS UN-AMERICAN

Exchange between columnist Mike Royko and his pal, Slats:

“That’s why soccer will never be a really popular TV sport in this country,” Slats said.

Why?

“Because in soccer they bounce the ball off their heads, and to Americans, it is undignified to bounce a ball off your head unless you are having a boozy back-yard party. Name me one other sport where you bounce the ball off your head.”

Now that you mention it, I can’t think of one.

“See? What happens if a football player is waiting to catch a punt or a pass and it bounces off his helmet?”

The fans would hoot and jeer and shout that he is incompetent.

“And what happens if a baseball player is waiting for a fly ball and it bounces off his head?”

No doubt, the scene would be shown on every network’s sports highlights and the player would forever be held up to ridicule.

“Absolutely. In the movies, if they want to get a laugh they have something to bounce off a head. In the Three Stooges, it was always ‘boink, boink’ off Curley’s head. So, bouncing a ball off your head is un-American. Besides, it makes people shorter.”

It does?

“Sure. That’s why most foreigners are shorter than Americans. All those balls bouncing off their heads compress their necks and spines.”