LAUGH LINES : Jokes

La Crescenta reader Dave Bois’ top signs that you’ve OD’d on O.J.:

* Your spouse asks how you are and you shout, “Objection! Calls for speculation.”

* You consider naming your next child Kato.

* You rent a Rolls-Royce for a quick trip to McDonald’s.

* Haiti, Arafat and Tutsi: new lawyers on the defense team?

* You can’t remember what’s happening on “One Life to Live.”

* You fantasize about being questioned by Marcia Clark-- and you like it.

* You wake up from a coma asking, “What was in the envelope?”

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David Letterman, on an article indicating that in the early 1980s, Rush Limbaugh was so poor that he actually had to choose between paying his rent and buying groceries: “What do you think? Which one did he choose?”

The main character in the Disney film “The Lion King” is a young cub trying to capture the political power that once belonged to his father. Says comedy writer Mel Golob: “He’s sort of a jungle version of Kathleen Brown.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says the voluptuous police officer who appears nude in this month’s Playboy has been called on the carpet by New York’s chief of police: “She was not reprimanded, mind you, just called on the carpet.”

Mills also reports that the Supreme Court has upheld a ban on a separate school district for Hasidic Jews: “The vote was six ‘oys’ to three ‘veys.’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the announcement by a major oil company that it would add fast-food restaurants to its service stations: “Great. Now both you and your car can get gas at the same time.”

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All in the Family: Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove says that when he recently visited a son who had moved into an expensive ocean-facing home, he commented on the magnificent view. Replied his son: “On a clear day I can see my mortgage.”

Reader Frank Fendt of Orange says his mother had 10 children and they put her on a pedestal: “But that was just to keep her away from our father.”

Reader Bernie Otis of Woodland Hills says Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage: “He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married. And she didn’t have to hear about his mother’s cooking.”

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Reader Jackie Hyman of Brea says her 4-year-old son drives her crazy with questions, many unanswerable. This week, she turned the tables, pelting him with queries:

For a while, he held his own, such as answering “So we can breathe,” after I asked “Why is there air?”

Then I asked what I thought would be a stumper: “Why do we wear clothes?”

He didn’t hesitate: “So people won’t laugh.”