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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

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La Crescenta reader Dave Bois’ top signs that you’ve OD’d on O.J.:

* Your spouse asks how you are and you shout, “Objection! Calls for speculation.”

* You consider naming your next child Kato.

* You rent a Rolls-Royce for a quick trip to McDonald’s.

* Haiti, Arafat and Tutsi: new lawyers on the defense team?

* You can’t remember what’s happening on “One Life to Live.”

* You fantasize about being questioned by Marcia Clark-- and you like it.

* You wake up from a coma asking, “What was in the envelope?”

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David Letterman, on an article indicating that in the early 1980s, Rush Limbaugh was so poor that he actually had to choose between paying his rent and buying groceries: “What do you think? Which one did he choose?”

The main character in the Disney film “The Lion King” is a young cub trying to capture the political power that once belonged to his father. Says comedy writer Mel Golob: “He’s sort of a jungle version of Kathleen Brown.”

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Comedy writer Bob Mills says the voluptuous police officer who appears nude in this month’s Playboy has been called on the carpet by New York’s chief of police: “She was not reprimanded, mind you, just called on the carpet.”

Mills also reports that the Supreme Court has upheld a ban on a separate school district for Hasidic Jews: “The vote was six ‘oys’ to three ‘veys.’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the announcement by a major oil company that it would add fast-food restaurants to its service stations: “Great. Now both you and your car can get gas at the same time.”

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All in the Family: Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove says that when he recently visited a son who had moved into an expensive ocean-facing home, he commented on the magnificent view. Replied his son: “On a clear day I can see my mortgage.”

Reader Frank Fendt of Orange says his mother had 10 children and they put her on a pedestal: “But that was just to keep her away from our father.”

Reader Bernie Otis of Woodland Hills says Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage: “He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married. And she didn’t have to hear about his mother’s cooking.”

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Reader Jackie Hyman of Brea says her 4-year-old son drives her crazy with questions, many unanswerable. This week, she turned the tables, pelting him with queries:

For a while, he held his own, such as answering “So we can breathe,” after I asked “Why is there air?”

Then I asked what I thought would be a stumper: “Why do we wear clothes?”

He didn’t hesitate: “So people won’t laugh.”

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