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WORLD CUP USA ‘94: QUARTERFINALS : COMMENTARY : If You’re Not a One-Name Here, You’re a No-Name

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SPECIAL TO THE TIMES; <i> Norman Chad, who has written for the National and Sports Illustrated, is writing a series of stories on the World Cup that normally will appear in World Cup '94 Special Reports</i>

In a thoroughly L.A. move, most Brazilian soccer players are known simply by a single name. This is the height of Hollywood hip. The Brazilians, indeed, look cool, play cool, dress cool, talk cool, sweat cool. They were grunge before grunge, funky dunky before Funky Dunky. And the Brazilians understand that, when you’re really big here, you need only one name.

Madonna. Cristophe. Cher.

Sometimes you have a full name, but you reach that status in which folks just refer to you by your first name.

Magic. Mark & Brian. Fritz. (Ugh!)

Also, at the highest levels of Hollywood business, superstars at their peak routinely are just called by their first names (Eddie, Arsenio), then, once in free fall, these same icons are referred to by their full names (Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall).

Of course, in this town, Jack will always be Jack.

Seventeen of the 22 Brazilian World Cup members go by a single name: Jorginho. Aldair. Leonardo. Mazinho. Dunga. Zinho. Bebeto. Romario. Cafu. Zetti. Gilmer. Branco. Rai. Muller. Ronaldo (I), Ronaldo (II). Viola. (Curiously, the players all must answer to one Carlos Alberto Parreira, but then again, they probably just call him Coach.)

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In fact, the most famous athlete of his time was a Brazilian--Edson Arantes do Nascimento, better known as Pele, whom many Americans credit with starting the single-name boom.

Nonsense.

There was Jesus.

Judas, for that matter.

Elvis.

Adam & Eve, Abraham, Cain & Abel, Jezebel, Samson & Delilah, Job, Jacob, David, Goliath.

Nebuchadnezzar!

Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Roseanne.

Do you think anyone would remember Noah’s Ark if it were Noah Chomsky’s Ark?

(Heck, it was so much easier to use directory assistance back then.

You dial 411.

“This is Esther. What city, please?”

“Yes, can I have a listing in Canaan for Moses?”)

Ajax, Aphrodite, Hercules, Zeus.

(Hey, don’t get me started on the Greek gods.)

Socrates, Aristotle, Plato; Fonzie, Potsie, Chachi.

(Actually, this single-name notion is as much a part of the Los Angeles and Las Vegas entertainment worlds as any other institutions: L.A., because television and film lend themselves to characters easily recognized by just one word; Las Vegas, because when you’re putting a headline act’s name up on a marquee in cazillion-point type, SIEGFRIED & ROY fits a lot easier than SIEGFRIED FISCHBACKER AND ROY HORN.)

Euclid, Archimedes.

Quincy, M.E.; Magnum, P.I.

Columbo, MacGyver, Spenser. Honorable mentions to Mannix, Kojak, Baretta, Cannon, Banacek, Eischeid, Hunter, Ironside, Longstreet, Starsky & Hutch and Cagney & Lacey, all of whom had first names used about twice a season (or after every 15th crime committed).

Charlie from “Charlie’s Angels.”

Sinbad, Gallagher, Bozo.

Dracula, Frankenstein, Lurch.

Aesop, Sophocles, Raphael, Moliere; Beavis, Butt-head.

Nostradamus, Kreskin.

Popeye, Sulu.

(Let’s go back to the Pele thing for a second. It is fairly common in Portuguese to be identified by one name. “Yes, it is used overwhelmingly in soccer,” said Francisco Marcos, the Brazilian team liaison, “but it is something as much a part of Brazilian culture as it is soccer. Sometimes it’s just the diminutive version of your first name; sometimes it has nothing to do with your own name, just that you look like somebody else. Pele was by no means the first, he was simply the most famous.”)

Zero, Zorro, Zsa Zsa, Zamfir.

Tito, Titian, Tiny Tim.

Attila, Godzilla, Rush; Napoleon, Mao, Dave.

William the Conqueror, Carlton the Doorman. (Historical note on William: As a boy, he was known as Billy; then, as a young man, as Bill. After becoming king of England, he switched to William. And after the Norman Conquest, his spin doctors suggested he make it William the Conqueror in order to discourage rebellions and to generate some heat, media-wise. Behind his back, he often was called, “Bully.”)

Blondie, Prince, Enya, Sade, Seal, Slash, Sting.

Hazel, Benson, Alice, Beulah, Rochester, Eldin, Hop Sing.

Lassie, Benji, Marmaduke, McGruff, Snoopy, Astro, Checkers.

Flipper, Alf, Thing.

(Actually, there has been a reverse trend recently in Hollywood in which vainglorious TV producers, in order to confer themselves a greater artistic status, have taken to using their middle names as part of their noms de plume. Guilty as charged: Gary David Goldberg, Paul Junger Witt and Glenn Gordon Caron.)

Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful, Doc, Happy, Sneezy; Tattoo.

Iago, Falstaff, Hamlet, MacBeth, Othello, Gallagher. (Gotcha.)

Penn & Teller, Amos ‘n’ Andy, Laverne & Shirley, Mork & Mindy, Kate & Allie, Bob and Ray, Ben & Jerry.

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Musso & Frank, Mujibur and Sirajul.

Gilligan, Jeannie; Mikey, Urkel.

Superman, Shaft, Shane, Secretariat.

Geraldo, Oprah, Cristina, Xuxa.

(These daytime talk-show hosts commonly become known by a single name. But it doesn’t always take. You’ll hear these promos, ‘On the next “Maury” . . . Oh, no. Maury, my foot. He can try that Maury business all he wants, he’s still Maury Povich, plain and simple, unless you just consider him Connie Chung’s husband.)

Twiggy, Vendela, Iman, Fabio; Cinderella, Rapunzel, Angelyne.

Larry, Moe and Curley; Manny, Moe and Jack.

Babe, Sugar Ray, Wilt, Arnie, Reggie, Sugar Ray, Magic, Michael, Bo, Deion, Shaq.

That Verne guy, Herb.

Bogie, Olivier, Keanu.

Willard (the weatherman), Willard (the rat man).

Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.

Romeo and Juliet, Regis and Kathie Lee.

(Remember “Bridget Loves Bernie?” In real life, they had full names and divorce lawyers.)

Sybil, Roseanne.

Groucho, Bijan, Garp, Lazarus, Tonto, Buddha, Boy George, Bullwinkle, Scrooge, Marilyn, Ivanhoe, Gallagher. (That’s the grab-bag group. And, yep, there’s Gallagher again.)

Liberace.

Incidentally, to change your name legally in Los Angeles County, the cost is $182. This might seem pricey, but if your moniker happens to be Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez and you want it to be Charo, you gladly pay it.

Betcha she’s a soccer fan, too.

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