LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s new president: “He’s 30 pounds overweight, loves to eat and hosts all-night parties featuring professional strippers. At long last . . . a world leader our guy can identify with.”

Mills, on criticism of Rep. Dan Rostenkowski for having postal workers answer his phones, address and stamp greeting cards, and make special pick-ups at his home: “So what’s the big deal? At least he got them to do something.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser says TV soap operas this week are trying to ease their viewers back into plot lines and away from headlines: “For example, Victor and Hope on ‘The Young and the Restless’ will spend two episodes discussing O.J.’s alibi and the admissibility of DNA testing in murder cases.”

Jay Leno, on the space shuttle mission that includes experiments involving newts, urchins, toads and fish: “NASA’s trying to see whether a Red Lobster restaurant can exist in outer space.”

Leno, on doctors from the AMA saying that President Clinton could benefit from walking a mile in their shoes: “Know what you call it when you walk a mile in doctors’ shoes? Golfing.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on experts’ predictions that U.S. troops could be in and out of Haiti quickly: “Americans aren’t so sure. We still remember that Gilligan’s Island started out as a three-hour tour.”

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Short takes: Part of the trouble with doing nothing in life is that you never know when you’re through.

--Patricia Merrill, L.A.

Definition of a clarinet: An ill-woodwind that nobody blows good.

--L. Morrissey, Santa Monica

You know times are tough when Smokey Bear loses his middle name to government cutbacks.

--Katherine Poehlmann

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A guy was cutting off his dog’s tail when a neighbor ventured by and asked what he was doing. Replied the dog owner: “My mother-in-law is coming for a visit and I don’t want any sign of welcome.”

--Tarlok Chugh, Artesia

A man went to his doctor complaining that he was always tired and listless. After a thorough exam, the doctor told the man that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was just plain lazy and needed to get more involved in life and get some exercise.

“Thanks Doc,” the man replied, “but could you put it in medical terms so I can explain it to my wife?”

--Bernie Otis, Woodland Hills

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Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove took his son Don, 2, to the beach, where the boy befriended another kid his age. The new friend said he had a pool, to which Don replied: “We have a pool.” The other kid said he had “a big pool.” So did Don.

Gesturing, the other kid said, “Our pool goes from here waaaaay across the street!”

Asked Don: “How does your daddy blow it up?”