WORLD CUP USA ‘94: THE FINALS : It Might Be the Game That Keeps on Giving
Proclamation by Edward II, King of England, 1314:
“Forasmuch as there is a great noise in the City caused by a hustling over large balls, from which many evils may arise, which, God forbid, we command and forbid, on behalf of the King, on pain of imprisonment, such game to be used in the City in future.”
Good afternoon, and welcome to World Cup Sunday. You are looking live at the beautiful Rose Bowl on a warm and pleasantly earthquake-free day here in Pasadena, where, in a few moments, Brazil and Italy will play before a crowd of, well, Brazil and Italy.
This will be the final game of the World Cup ’94 finals, finally, after an outstanding tournament that included 23 outstanding teams, plus Greece. We would like to take this moment to remind everyone that World Cup ’98 qualifying matches will begin immediately following today’s World Cup ’94 championship matches, with England hoping to advance past the always pesky Falkland Islands.
And here come the Brazilians! Hand in hand, as always, led into the stadium by their great stars, Bebeto, Pinocchio, Romario and Julietto. Just look at these brave young men, so handsome in their bright blue shirts.
And now the Italians! Marching out in formation led by, as always, their great stars, Roberto Baggio, Dino Baggio, Gianluca Baggio, Giuseppe Baggio and their fine coach, Arrigo Baggio. Just look at these brave young men, so handsome in their . . . uh, wait a minute, their bright blue shirts?
Someone has obviously made a serious wardrobe error here today and we hope to correct this problem quickly, please stand by.
Ah, now the Brazilians peel off their blue shirts to reveal their yellow shirts underneath, and they offer their blue shirts to the Italians as a gesture of true and splendid sportsmanship. Well done!
And now the Italians look just a little confused, possibly because none of them has remembered to bring any gifts for the Brazilians in return. I can see the Brazil players down there now, tapping their feet impatiently, as if to say: “Where are our gifts, you cheap Europeans, you?”
Ah, now Roberto Baggio is leafing through a little black book and handing each Brazilian player a slip of paper with the private home telephone number of Madonna. Well done!
Our national anthems today will be performed by Mr. Placido Domingo, still somewhat upset, we understand, over last night’s controversial concert in which the great tenor Luciano Pavarotti shocked a sellout crowd with his renditions of Elvis Presley’s “Blue Hawaii” and “Jailhouse Rock.” I believe Mr. Domingo was outraged over this decision to sing popular music, particularly with no voice whatsoever in choosing the Presley compositions over Mr. Domingo’s personal preferences for Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson.
And the game begins!
Baggio over to Baggio, now back to Baggio, who heads it over to Baggio. Italy is playing cautiously at this moment, obviously saving its strength for the next 89 minutes and 50 seconds.
And a yellow card goes to Leonardo of Brazil, who complains angrily that he is not even in the game. That’s another bit of bad luck for Leonardo, who is one more yellow card away from another red card, which would make him ineligible to play soccer again until the Paraguay Bob Hope Pro-Am in late 1999.
Dunga steals the ball and finds Rai, who kicks it over to Bebeto, who runs down the field looking for Romario, who is taking a nap near that flag where they do the corner kicks. Bebeto kicks Romario and yells, “Wake up!” Romario waves Bebeto away and says, “Call me in the 80th minute if we need a goal.” Romario rolls over and goes back to sleep.
Uh-oh. There goes Giuseppe Signori, one of the rare non-Baggio players on the Italian team, past the Snickers sign, past the Fuji sign, past the Gillette sign, slowing down now near the Budweiser sign, delayed for two hours by the American Airlines sign, now gaining new strength at the Energizer sign and sprinting alongside the Sprint sign.
Signori shoots! And scores! The ball goes past a very surprised Claudio Taffarel, the Brazil goalkeeper, who was leaning against a post eating a sandwich, not expecting anyone to shoot the ball in his direction, momentarily forgetting that he was not playing Sweden. Goooooooooool!
Brazil’s coach, Carlos Alberto Parreira, is hopping mad. Just look at that man hop. By reading his lips, I can see that Parreira is instructing his players: “Please, please, please, please, please score some goals so that when I go home everybody will like me!” Well done.
Bebeto shoots. Goooooooooool!
Romario shoots. Goooooooooool!
Dunga shoots. Goooooooooool!
Mazinho shoots. Goooooooooool!
Well, that little talk by Parreira certainly did seem to help. Brazil seems well on its way to another World Cup championship, so much so that Romario has gone back into his corner for another short nap.
Don’t forget, though, should Italy come back to tie the score in the second half, there will be a 30-minute overtime period to decide the winner, followed by penalty kicks, followed by a coin toss, followed by picking a number from one to 10, followed by the traditional ceremony in which the Italian men go up into the stands and kiss all the women.
