LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Party on Bill: Jay Leno, on the President attending his high school reunion last weekend in Arkansas while his wife was on the health-care reform bus in Oregon: “He said he danced until 2:30 a.m. and then played cards in his hotel room with a bunch of guys until four in the morning. Look, if Hillary buys it, who are we to question it?”

Clinton said he noticed that things had changed since high school graduation, reports comedy writer Mark Miller: “For example, Missy Swanson said that she would go out with him now, and that, in retrospect, it was a mistake to have passed Bill by for Eddie ‘The Booze Hound’ Jacobs.”

Among the Top 10 things overheard at the reunion, according to David Letterman:

* “More Whitewater punch, Mr. President?”

* “Howsabout lowering taxes for your old gym class buddy?”

* “Bill, do you plan to move back to Arkansas in 1996?”

* “Well, Mr. Bully isn’t so tough now that I control nuclear weapons, is he?”

* “Run for your lives! He’s got the saxophone!”

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In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the meeting between Israel’s Yitzhak Rabin and Jordan’s King Hussein: “President Clinton wept as he watched a socialist and a playboy vowing to get along. It reminded him so much of his wedding day.”

Hamilton, on the popularity of Washington as a tourist attraction: “There’s nothing like all the pomp and pageantry. Twice a day, tourists line up around the White House to see the Changing of the Haiti Policy.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says Haitian military leaders have notified Washington that they’re prepared to surrender if the U. S. Army has any plans to air-drop emergency supplies to them.

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Rohan Marley, a college football player and son of the late reggae star Bob Marley, pleading not guilty to trying to hit a police officer with his truck: “When asked about other alleged attacks on local cops, Marley replied: ‘I shot the sheriff, but I did not kill the deputy.’ ”

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Observed at a country Post Office: “Attention all postal employees! Although the new, no-lick stamps employ the use of rice paste, and may be peeled off, the stamps will not be referred to as Rice Peeloff.”

-- Donald Young, Rancho Palos Verdes

Tractor pulls were invented so professional wrestling fans would have someone to look down on.

-- Bruce Bellingham, San Francisco

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Reader Andrew Guerrero says his boss’s granddaughter recently told her grandfather that she was going to see “The Lion King.” He asked if she was going to see it on TV or at a theater. She said at a theater, and he asked which one.

She paused, then replied: “At a Theater Near You.”