LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 ways that Hillary Clinton can increase her popularity:

* Cattle futures for everybody.

* Quick fling with Bob Barker.

* Go on “Larry King Live” and snap that guy’s suspenders so hard his toupee falls off.

* Call Rush Limbaugh while he’s on the air and say, “Can it, fat boy.”

* Did somebody say “Wonderbra”?

* Fire Bill.

Jay Leno, on scientists predicting that in the future, people will use machines for sex: “Women, women: If you thought it was tough trying to get guys to put the remote control down before, good luck now.”

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In the news: Postmaster General Marvin T. Runyon Jr., berated by lawmakers for deteriorating mail service, said their accusations were news to him. Angry legislators, comedy writer Tony Peyser says, replied that they had warned him about this in a letter mailed to him months ago.

What’s the first early warning sign that you may be one of 50 million Americans exposed to contaminated tap water? Comedy writer Bob Mills says it’s finding a dead worm in the bottom of your glass--and you’re not even drinking mescal .

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A man buys a gross of baby orchid plants and is about to transplant them when an emergency requires that he leave town quickly for the weekend. Panic-stricken because the plants will die, he calls a friend who suggests that the plants will retain required moisture if he encloses each in a condom.

The man races to the drugstore, buys a gross of condoms and encloses each plant. To his horror, he finds that he is one condom short, but he doesn’t have time to buy another. Sure enough, when he returns on Monday, the one plant has died.

Furious, he returns to the drugstore and screams at the manager: “I bought a gross of condoms Friday and you shorted me one.”

“Good heavens,” replies the druggist. “I’m sorry I spoiled your whole weekend.”

--David Saxon, Sherman Oaks

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Quickly: What is the result of a herd of spooked cows running frantically? Udder chaos .

--Mark Lifland

Where are orphaned chickens sent? Foster Farms .

--Ron Roberts Jr.

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Reader Charles Primeau of San Diego says that just after one Christmas, a friend was transporting a young boy to school. Trying to pass time, the man asked the boy what gifts he’d received. The boy proudly displayed a watch.

“What time is it?” my friend asked.

The boy studied the watch and said: “9 o’clock.”

My friend asked what time it would be in half an hour.

The boy looked at the watch again, pondered a minute, then responded: “We’ll have to wait and see.”