LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: An 80-year-old man led CHP officers on a high-speed chase across four Southland counties Tuesday before being caught near Oceanside. Reports comedy writer Tony Peyser: “The man was so disoriented that when officers pulled alongside him, he shouted: ‘I’ve got prune juice in the back seat with a gun to his head.’ ”

Comedy writer John Mayer, on the upcoming Simpson trial: “Faced with the prospect of screening jurors 250 at a time from a potential pool of thousands, Judge Lance Ito has decided to turn the whole process over to Ticketmaster.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says that just one day after jailers screened “The Client” for inmates, O.J. Simpson added Susan Sarandon to his defense team.

Mills, on the looming major league baseball strike: “Settlement talks came to an abrupt halt yesterday when Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott’s dog committed an error under the conference table.”

Jay Leno, on ballpark concessionaires trying to sell their inventory before the anticipated strike: “They’re not even taking the time to warm up the beer before they sell it. They’re actually selling it cold now.”

Leno, on a British politician’s plan to build a new palace for the Royal Family to inspire the rest of the country: “Building more housing for the rich will inspire the poor? I believe we tried that once in this country. It was called Reaganomics.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Hillary Clinton saying she’s tired of being called a socialist: “She’s not, and she’s got the cattle futures receipts to proved it.”

Hamilton, on the investigation of Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy, accused of accepting trips to Dallas Cowboy football games from Tyson Chicken: “Janet Reno knows to handle this case carefully. If every member of the Clinton Administration who ever took anything from Tyson were indicted, President Gore would have a lot of jobs to fill.”

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Driving slowly down a country road, a salesman saw something blow past him. He sped up to see what it was and, at 70 m.p.h., finally caught it. Seeing that it was a chicken, he followed until it turned into a farm, stopping a few yards from a farmer.

The salesman parked his car, walked over to the farmer and asked incredulously, “My God, what kind of chicken is that? I clocked it at 70.”

The farmer replied: “Take a good look, stranger. He’s got three legs. We genetically engineer them here because our whole family likes drumsticks.”

Sensing an opportunity, the salesman asked, “How do these chickens taste?”

“Don’t know,” the farmer said. “We ain’t ever caught one yet.”

--Jay Dubb, Riverside

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Reader Mary Galt of San Diego remembers her mother’s 88th birthday party. A family member remarked to Galt’s niece, then about 4, that “your grandmother is pretty old.” The little girl replied:

“She’s old, but she’s not very pretty.”