LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on H. Ross Perot’s health care plan, called Putting People First: “Ol’ Ross just won’t give up. He couldn’t be President, so now he wants to be First Lady.”

Hamilton, on Sen. George Mitchell’s health plan: “Jesse Helms says he wants time to read all 1,400 pages before he votes. That’ll kill it for sure. Helms is only halfway through the Emancipation Proclamation, and he’s not gonna like the surprise ending.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills reports that after watching all five hours of “Watergate” on the Discovery Channel, President Clinton phoned the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda and vetoed his eulogy.

A study from a London medical school says that having sex is as effective as aspirin in relieving headaches. Reader Charlie Reinke of Burbank says he wouldn’t be too surprised if many doctors soon announce that they will again be making house calls.

“A thought occurred to me as I was watching the Whitewater hearings. Washington D.C. has lawyers the way New York City has rats. I guess New York City got to choose first.”

--David Letterman

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Florida report: According to a Florida laboratory, polyurethane will soon replace latex in condoms. Comedy writer Mills says that tests show “it is stronger, thinner and will retain its shape for up to five years in a teen-ager’s wallet.”

In Clearwater, a balding man is going to prison for 15 years for burglarizing a minister’s home and cutting off his wife’s hair. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says he was convicted under an obscure 1936 statute for Breaking, Entering and Restyling.

A jailed murder suspect asked a judge to allow him to take LSD--which he claims made him take part in a deadly bank robbery--to show how he reacts to the drug. Peyser reports that judge refused, saying he was “a little Leary of the whole thing.”

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Reader file: Asked why he refused Novocain for a tooth extraction, the yoga replied: “I wanted to transcend dental medication .”

--Ken Rosenbaum, L.A.

A husband returned home, disheveled with lipstick on his face. His wife demanded an explanation.

“Driving to work I saw this young woman hitchhiking,” he replied. “Because of the bus strike, I decided to do a good deed and pick her up.

“What a horrible mistake that was. She proved to be a witch, and turned me right into a motel.”

--Ed Thorsell, L.A.

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After living here for a year, reader Issac Reddick III of Marina del Rey called home and talked to his brother Caleb, 9. He told him that he had been hanging out with people who spent their lives at the gym, bicycled and hiked, ate health food, and just plain “out-loved” everybody. Reddick overheard his father ask Caleb who was on the phone.

“It’s Buddy,” Caleb replied. “He’s joined a cult.”