LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on how times have changed: “Twenty-five years ago, people were pitching tents, living off the land and bathing in ponds. It was called Woodstock. Today it is called the economy.”

Leno, on what he calls a humanitarian gesture by Dodger Stadium vendors during the baseball strike: “Because they won’t be cooking Dodger Dogs for a while, the chefs released over 4,000 possums and woodchucks back into the wild.”

Reader Stan Kaplan suggests using major league umpires for the O.J. Simpson jury: “They are unemotional, can make decisions and now have nothing to do for the next six months.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills says people shouldn’t be surprised that most members of Congress were unaware of a secret, $310-million building that was erected practically under their noses: “After all, the building has no bars, discos or strip clubs.”

A procedural vote has apparently killed President Clinton’s crime bill for a year. The National Rifle Assn. opposed the bill, says comic Argus Hamilton, because it had a full seven-day waiting period before anybody could buy a Congressman.

Reader Bert Feinberg reports that just days after a study revealed that sex may be as good as aspirin for a headache, two London prostitutes were arrested for practicing medicine without a license.

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Comedy writer Larry Swerdlow says that a Beverly Hills friend has had so much plastic surgery that there’s not much left to change: “So last week she changed her name--to Jackson.”

Former Billionaire Boys Club leader Joe Hunt has set up a 900 number from prison. Hunt talks of his innocence, prison brutality and, according to comedy writer Tony Peyser, Hunt’s greatest indignity in life: “Seeing Judd Nelson play him in the TV miniseries.”

Richard Shebelski was surprised the first time he visited a park run by the federal government: “I thought there’d be more paperwork lying around.”

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During confession, a man told his priest that he had committed adultery. The priest asked with whom he had done so, but the man wouldn’t tell.

“Was it Mrs. Murphy?” the priest asked.

“No, Father,” the man replied.

“Mrs. Smith?” No . “Mrs. Ryan?” No .

“Well, my son,” said the priest, “go, and sin no more. And remember to say 15 Hail Mary’s tonight.”

“I’ll remember to do that, Father,” said the man. “And thanks for the three new leads.”

--Skip Creger, Sunset Beach

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Reader Liz McNamee of Westwood says that a co-worker, trying to get the address of the IRS recently, kept getting an endless busy signal from its office. Finally she dialed information.

“Well,” said the operator, “I think you can just address it ‘IRS, Fresno, California.’ ”

“Oh, like writing Santa Claus,” my friend replied.

“Or,” said the operator, “O.J.”