LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Lawyers want potential jurors in the O.J. Simpson case to be asked questions about their views on the death penalty and interracial marriage. And, according to investigative comedy reporter Tony Peyser: “Who’s more likely to have a bad hair day, Marcia Clark or Alan Dershowitz?”

Jay Leno, on President Clinton’s crime bill: “This is a tough bill. It would require every mall cop in America to make at least two laps around the mall while on duty instead of sitting at the fountain looking at the girls in the Gap.”

Argus Hamilton, on Clinton’s lawyers arguing that he is immune from Paula Jones’ sexual harassment suit until after he leaves office: “Until then, she’s welcome to join his other accusers in the Federal Waitress Protection Program.”

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Potpourri: The Korea Broadcasting System will allow more than 700 banned songs to be played on the radio and television. “Blowing in the Wind” had been considered too subversive and “Bohemian Rhapsody” was thought to promote violence. “You Light Up My Life,” Peyser says, was banned because it really sucked.

David Letterman, on Madonna’s birthday: “Gosh, what do you get a girl who’s had everybody?”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on international airlines introducing gambling on trans-Atlantic flights: “The games include video blackjack, roulette and guessing the exact shade of green the chicken Kiev will be when served.”

Leno, on Woodstock: “If nothing else, the festival proves that love beads and bell bottoms look just as stupid on people now as they did 25 years ago.”

Comedy writer Marc Holmes, on the study saying 15 minutes of piano lessons weekly can improve skills needed for math: “Considering Jerry Lee Lewis’s trouble with the IRS, I wouldn’t count on it.”

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Reader file: A guy was driving along a country road when he saw a farmer struggling under the weight of a large pig that he was carrying. When the driver stopped, he noticed that the man was holding up the pig so it could eat fruit from a tree.

“Pardon me,” he said to the farmer, “but why don’t you put that pig down and shake the tree so the fruit will fall on the ground? It would save a lot of time.”

Replied the farmer: “What’s time to a pig?”

--Hank Kovell

Definition of a bachelor: Someone who knows exactly how long any item of leftover fast food will remain edible.

--Barbara Aspenson

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Reader Audrey Marsee of Redondo Beach recalls when she and her mother took Marsee’s 3-year-old niece, Marilyn, to lunch many years ago. Her mother commented on the style of the young girl’s shoes: “I see you are wearing a new pair of shoes. They are little Mary Janes.”

“Well,” Marilyn said, “they are mine now.”