LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the President’s inability to persuade Cubans not to try to come here: “He promises universal health care, he promises three million jobs, he promises no more crime. These people aren’t used to our political system. . . . They think this stuff can actually happen.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on why Cubans are ignoring Clinton’s mandate: “They watch the news. They were so impressed with our invasion of Haiti that they decided to take their chances.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on detention facilities being expanded to house up to 60,000 refugees at Guantanamo Bay: “For those unfamiliar with bilingual slang, Guantanamo means close but no cigar .”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Simpson hearings: “O.J. was hit with a double whammy. Scientists say his hair not only matches those found at the crime scene, he also has problem dandruff.”

Leno, on a planned visit by Prince Charles to L.A. in October: “Boy, there is something that L.A. women don’t get enough of. Middle-aged guys flying in from out of town, acting like a king and claiming their wives don’t understand them. . . . If I’m not mistaken, I think he’s staying with Kato Kaelin.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Jeffrey Katzenberg leaving Disney: “He was given a choice of how he could go: Be shot by a hunter, swallowed by a whale or trampled in a stampede.”

Katzenberg may have given up $100 million in stock options and other future earnings at Disney, says Steve Clow: “But at least now he can grow a mustache if he wants.”

Hamilton, on the health-care bill: “Various senators say we’ve turned the corner on universal coverage, turned the corner on mandates, turned the corner on single payer and turned the corner on health networks. We’ve turned four corners, so we’re right back where we started.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on Thursday’s 50th anniversary of the liberation of Paris: “On this date in 1944, the Germans were kicked out of the city and replaced with Jerry Lewis.”

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Short takes: Still flabby after years of working out with 200-pound barbells, the Hollywood agent explained: “I only lift 10%.”

--Stan Kaplan, Garden Grove

We have psychiatry, the study of the mind, and psychology, the study of human behavior. Now we have psychoceramics: the study of crackpots.

--Betty Chapman, Beverly Hills

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Reader Pamela Ashby of Ventura says that when her aunt’s beautiful dog suddenly died, the woman tried to break the news gently to her daughter, 5. “We can all be happy now,” her aunt concluded, “that Frisky is up in heaven with God.”

“But mom,” replied her daughter, “what’s God going to do with a dead dog?”