A Little Music, Maestro, Please

Public television has been airing film from the great “Three Tenors” concert at Dodger Stadium, and HBO has shown Barbra Streisand’s fabulous show at the Anaheim Arena.

What neither network has shown you is exclusive, behind-the-scenes footage of all four artists in a top-secret meeting, at which a spectacular joint concert was discussed.

This newspaper has obtained the official minutes of that meeting. Excerpts follow:

Streisand: Luciano, Placido, Jose . . . I have wonderful memories of your last concert together.

Pavarotti: Grazie.

Domingo: Gracias.

Carreras: Ditto.

Streisand: Misty water-color memories of the way you were.

Pavarotti: I no understand.

Streisand: Never mind. So, how do you find Dodger Stadium?

Domingo: Turn left on Elysian Park.

Streisand: No, I mean for singing.

Domingo: Oh.

Pavarotti: Is very big.

Carreras: So are you.

Pavarotti: Hey!

Streisand: You boys follow baseball?

Domingo: Mmmm, no, we go before baseball.

Streisand: I don’t mean what time. I mean, do you ever watch baseball?

Pavarotti: Is too slow.

Streisand: You guys sing opera and you think baseball is slow?

Carreras: Nothing happens.

Streisand: You guys like soccer and you think in baseball nothing happens?

Domingo: Zubin Mehta take us to one Dodger game.

Pavarotti: Was no good.

Streisand: No good?

Pavarotti: They run out of Dodger Dogs, six inning.

Streisand: Who was your favorite player?

Domingo: Martinez.

Pavarotti: You crazy. Piazza!

Carreras: Rodriguez.

Pavarotti: Piazza!

Domingo: Oh, and this Mondesi . . .

Pavarotti: Piazza! Piazza! Piazza!

Streisand: Boys! Boys! Boys!

Carreras: Barbra, your favorite Dodger is who?

Streisand: I still miss Koufax.

Domingo: So, why we here?

Carreras: What we can do for you?

Pavarotti: When is lunch?

Streisand: OK, look. We’re singing in a big sports stadium, right?

Domingo: So?

Streisand: So, let’s sing a sports song.

Pavarotti: Is good idea!

Carreras: Like what?

Streisand: Here, I brought some sheet music.

Pavarotti: I have to sing that “O, Sole Mio” thing once more, I go nuts.

Domingo: Hey, Barbra! I like this one!

Carreras: Me too.

Domingo: La la, la la, la la.

Streisand: Let’s try it with the words.

Pavarotti: Mi, mi, mi, mi.

Streisand: Ready?

Tenors: “We will, we will . . . “

Streisand: Again. Much louder.

Tenors: “We will, we will . . . rock you!”

Streisand: Louder!

Tenors: “We will, we will . . . rock you!”

Pavarotti: I no like.

Domingo: Let’s stick with Sinatra.

Pavarotti: I no want to rock nobody.

Streisand: OK, OK. Try this one.

Carreras: What is this about?

Streisand: Three famous men. Like the three tenors. Ready? Begin.

Tenors: “ . . . we are talking Willie . . . Mickey annnddd the Duke!”

Streisand: Beautiful!

Pavarotti: I like. Who this Willie? Clinton?

Streisand: Willie Mays. Baseball player.

Pavarotti: Ah! And Mickey is Piazza!

Carreras: Would you forget about Piazza!

Domingo: OK. We do this Willie-Mickey-Duke aria. What else you got?

Pavarotti: What about na-na song?

Streisand: What?

Pavarotti: I go to big American baseball game. Near end of game, everybody sing: “Na na na na, na na na na, ‘ay, ‘ay, ‘ay, good- by!”

Domingo: Everybody?

Pavarotti: Si, everybody!

Streisand: OK. Everybody!

Tenors: “Na na na na, na na na na, ‘ay, ‘ay, ‘ay, good- by!”

Pavarotti: Maybe we say ciao!

Carreras: Or adios!

Streisand: Whatever.

Domingo: Good. Then we have our Dodger Stadium songs.

Pavarotti: Barbra, how come we no sing your song?

Streisand: My song?

Pavarotti: On clear day, we see forever!

Streisand: Not in Los Angeles, you don’t.