LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: David Letterman, on President Clinton’s vacation at Martha’s Vineyard: “The Secret Service has signs up all over the island saying, ‘Please do not feed the President.’ ”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on IRA leader Joe Cahill flying to New York to explain the truce to Irish Americans: “He was delayed at the Dublin airport by explosions in the parking lot. Supporters were giving him a 21-car bomb salute.”
Hamilton, on the baseball-strike deadlock: “The two sides couldn’t even agree what to order for lunch the other day. So they ate their young.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Republican Michael Huffington casting himself as an outsider in his race against Sen. Dianne Feinstein: “Of course he’s an outsider; this is the first year he’s ever spent any time in California.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on contract talks between the Postal Service and the American Postal Workers Union: “So far, there’s been no movement on either side--by management during negotiations or by employees on the job.”
Political humorist Mark Russell, on the recent expulsion of a member of the Christian Coalition: “He was caught forgiving someone.”
Reader Gary Easley of Whittier asks, “What’s this about a possible gag order for the Simpson trial? When I hear another O.J. story on the news, I already gag automatically.”
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That’s entertainment: Peyser, on merger mania: “Time-Warner is negotiating to buy NBC. And Disney Co., whose live-action division has made so many bombs lately, may be absorbed in the Lockheed-Martin Marietta deal.”
Ray, on a British court throwing out a paternity suit against Boy George: “The magistrate found the case a little odd. Not to mention the defendant.”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on rapper Dr. Dre pleading no contest to DUI charges: “He was given an eight-month sentence, four of which must be spent listening to a CD of the Three Tenors Concert.”
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Reader William Hsiang, a member of Costa Mesa High School’s Class of ‘64, compiled a list of reasons some classmates missed last weekend’s 30th reunion. Among them:
* 30 years of bingeing could not be purged.
* Nothing to wear; got taken to cleaner by the Ex.
* Hair plugs came out. (Or silicone leaked.)
* Parole officer not notified.
* OD’d on O.J.
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John Bowater of Cardiff by the Sea says that his grandfather, at one time a county sheriff in Indiana, shared the courtroom testimony of a woman charged with assaulting her husband with a knife. The judge asked her if she had cut her spouse in the fracas.
“No, your honor,” she answered. “It was between the navel and the fracas.”