LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 ways that Dan Quayle is preparing to run for President:

* Forging letter of recommendation from President Bush.

* Shaving “1996” into the back of his head.

* Buying a computer with spell check.

* Trying to raise his IQ above his golf handicap.

* Studying the episode of “Happy Days” when Richie ran for class president.

* Called President Bush, asked him what he used to do all day.

* Working on his concession speech.

Jay Leno, on the Clintons’ vacation: “The President bought six books at a local book store. I guess he didn’t want to be seen standing at the checkout counter with just the Cindy Crawford calendar.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the book purchases: “The President loves a good mystery. He can’t wait to see who gets killed at the end of his Haiti policy.”

Leno, on the more than $800,000 that N.Y. Met Bobby Bonilla has lost so far during the baseball strike: “That’s the most that any player has lost on baseball since Pete Rose quit.”

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on a delay in the O.J. case until Judge Lance Ito returns from vacation: “Al Cowlings has volunteered to pick Ito up at the airport.”

Miller on a fertilizer plant fire that forced the evacuation of all 200 people in Browns, Ill.: “Residents are finally back home, cleaning their fans.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Michael Kearney, the 10-year-old college graduate with an IQ of more than 200 who wants to move to L.A. from Alabama to pursue his dream of becoming a game-show host: “If that’s his dream, maybe he’s not as smart as everyone thinks.”

Peyser, on the decline in H. Ross Perot’s popularity: “Perhaps he should change the name of his political organization to ‘United We Stood .’ ”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on progress in the restoration of Leonardo da Vinci’s “Last Supper”:

“Art experts say they have discovered a previously unseen sign on the wall: ‘Today’s Special--Angel Hair Pasta.’ They were also shocked to learn that five centuries of dirt, dust and grime had covered up the fact that Luke was holding a doggie bag.”

Mills, on the Jerry Lewis telethon: “He raised $1 million more than last year and went through five cases of WD-40 Spray Mousse for Men.”

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Bill Kissel of Eagle Rock says his cousin Sandra, 13, came home from school recently and told her mother that the teacher called her “a bitch of a talker.” Sandra’s mother was furious, promising to go down to school and have a few words with her teacher.

Overhearing Sandra’s conversation with her mother, a neighborhood friend and schoolmate chimed in: “The teacher didn’t call you a ‘bitch of a talker.’ She said you were a ‘habitual talker.’ ”