For the Rams, Rison’s Talk Isn’t Cheap
T his week in the NFL . . .
Andre Rison has guaranteed a victory today over the Rams, which means the game film of Steve Israel must have arrived on schedule. Almost as compelling as Rison’s bold words were the Rams’ reactions to them. First, Chuck Knox ordered a videotape copy of Rison popping off, intending to use it as motivational grist. Then, suspecting Rison probably has a point, the Rams reopened the unsightly Darryl Henley file, agreeing to post a $2-million bond so that an alleged cocaine-ring kingpin might be able to step in and bolster their nickel coverage. (Do the Rams now call it their nickel-bag coverage?) No comment from the Rams on whether they’d be posting the same bond for Henley had he happened to be a third-string offensive tackle, rather than a Pro Bowl-caliber cornerback.
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KANSAS CITY, Mo.--San Francisco versus The Old 49er is the billing, and all of the Bay Area is abuzz over the chance to watch David Whitmore play again. In another matchup, Joe Montana and Steve Young will start at quarterback for opposing sides, prompting legions of 49er fans to switch allegiance to the Chiefs for one day and Jerry Rice to announce he hopes Montana throws him a pass during warm-ups. (Amazingly, Rice consented to accept three touchdown passes from Young in a 44-14 victory over the Raiders last Monday.) Bay Area sports bars are offering complimentary jars of wide receiver’s stickum to patrons today, so that the Branch Montanians may be able to get a grip.
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LOS ANGELES--The Raiders play host to the Seattle Seahawks six days after losing to San Francisco in a Monday night game advertised as a “Super Bowl preview.” And, yes, it truly was--the NFC team beat the AFC team by 30 points. Last week, Seattle’s Chris Warren outrushed all Raider running backs, 100 yards to 34, partly because Harvey Williams, who couldn’t beat out Marcus Allen in Kansas City, now can’t beat out Ty Montgomery in Los Angeles. Williams now plans to join the expansion Jacksonville Jaguars in 1995, on the hope that the Jaguars draft no other running backs.
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SAN DIEGO--Still in shock over their 37-34 victory over the Broncos in Denver, the San Diego Chargers fail to show for today’s home opener against Cincinnati. The Bengals get the ball on their own 20, David Klingler throws three incompletions, the Bengals punt and the game ends there.
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MILWAUKEE--Expecting a high-scoring bombfest against Dan Marino and the Miami Dolphins, Green Bay Packer Coach Mike Holmgren has installed a trick play for today’s game: Sterling Sharpe trots off the field, leaves the stadium, contemplates sitting out the season, circles back, streaks down the sideline and catches the winning touchdown from Brett Favre.
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EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.--The Denver Broncos trail the New York Jets, 37-34, in the waning seconds, but the Broncos are threatening. John Elway drops back and looks for Shannon Sharpe in the end zone. Unfortunately, Sharpe has a sprained knee and is in street clothes. Elway looks and looks and finally gives up, tossing the ball straight up in the air. Ronnie Lott intercepts and the Jets hang on for a stunning victory.
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FOXBORO, Mass.--Upstart New England takes on the Super Bowl-Or-Bust Buffalo Bills, who, after four years of persistent pleading by football fans from 49 states and greater New York, have finally agreed to try option B this season. Marv Levy’s controversial decision to replace the no-huddle offense with the no-touchdown offense resulted in a 23-3 loss to the Jets last week, during which Thurman Thomas netted seven yards in five carries, causing thousands of wives across the country to talk their fantasy football-playing husbands off the edge of the roof, begging them to think of the children.
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MINNEAPOLIS--One week after passing for three touchdowns and becoming the first Detroit quarterback to win his debut since Eric Hipple in 1981, Scott Mitchell leads the Lions against NFC Central-rival Minnesota. Lions Coach Wayne Fontes announces the signing of Andre Ware, the promotion of Chuck Long and says he will alternate the three quarterbacks all season, just for old times’ sake.
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IRVING, Tex.--Cowboys Coach Barry Switzer has guaranteed a victory over the Oilers today, noting that he never had any trouble with Houston when he was at Oklahoma.
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TAMPA--Indianapolis’ Marshall Faulk and Tampa Bay’s Errict Rhett face off in a game that could determine why someone who had never taken a typing class was allowed to punch up Rhett’s birth certificate. Trent Dilfer-Wayne Gandy update: Tampa Bay bench slightly harder than Ram bench.
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TEMPE, Ariz.--The Arizona Cardinals unveil a radical one-wide receiver offense against the New York Giants after Buddy Ryan instructs security personnel to prevent Ricky Proehl from coming within 200 yards of Sun Devil Stadium.
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CLEVELAND--The Cleveland Browns play host to the Pittsburgh Steelers today and beyond that, no one much cares.
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PHILADELPHIA--ABC apologizes for scheduling Chicago at Philadelphia for their second nationally television Monday night game, claiming they forgot Mike Ditka and Buddy Ryan had found new work.
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NEW ORLEANS--Five years after leading the Rams to the NFC championship game, Jim Everett and Henry Ellard meet again, only in very strange uniforms. Last week, Everett passed for 326 yards and two touchdowns for the New Orleans Saints and Ellard caught seven passes for 105 yards for the Washingtom Redskins. If they had done that last year, they would still be Rams.