Miller Can’t Find Bird of Paradise in Dome

The last time he saw these fans, he flipped them the bird.

Upon his return visit, for the first time as an ex-Atlanta Falcon, he flipped, in his own words, a “couple wounded ducks.”

So, yes, if you’re asking, Chris Miller has changed his approach to playing quarterback inside the Georgia Dome.

Chuck Knox kept looking at Miller float the ball up there Sunday afternoon and kept thinking back to the playbook he handed to the players in July. All the new guys did get a copy, right?

But there was Troy Drayton, down and out and open for the first time all season . . . and there goes the football, soaring over Drayton’s head and into the arms of Falcon cornerback D.J. Johnson for an interception at the Atlanta four-yard line.

And there was Flipper Anderson a few minutes later, streaking into the end zone a step ahead of Johnson . . . and there goes the football again, its animation suspended in the air long enough for Johnson to leap in front of Anderson and pick it off again.

By the time Knox could corner Miller on the sideline and remind him that throwing to the guys in the black shirts was advisable in 1993 but not such a good idea in 1994, it was too late. Falcon defenders intercepted Miller’s passes three times, combining for nine fewer catches than Andre Rison, and just like that, it was 31-13, Atlanta, and a proud Ram winning streak had come to an end.

That wasn’t me on those floaters, Miller told reporters, scanning the crowd for familiar faces. Surely, they could vouch for him.

“You’ve seen me throw deep before,” he said. “I don’t throw ducks. I throw good, tight spirals.

“But two balls today just got away from me. The deep ball to Flipper and the ball that sailed on Troy. They looked like they came out of a ball machine. Punts. A couple wounded ducks. I don’t throw the ball like that.”

Miller seemed to be trying to convince himself. He mentioned that he talked with June Jones, his old offensive coordinator and the Falcons’ new head coach, after the game and Jones told him, “You still throw the best deep ball in the game.”

Miller said he shook Jones’ hand and replied, “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

So what happened to those passes that fluttered and quivered and will never be confused, in any league, for the best deep ball in the game?

Moisture was the best response Miller could muster.

“The ball was wet,” Miller claimed. “It slipped out of my hands.”

Wet?

Inside the plastic carpeted, hermetically sealed, climate-controlled, always-69-degrees-and-bright Georgia Dome?

How does that happen?

“You figure it out,” Miller snapped as he spun on his heel and slipped into the shower.

So that’s it. The Falcons must store their footballs in the shower.

This, however, fails to explain how the football dried itself in between punts, enabling Atlanta’s quarterback, Jeff George, to complete 29 of 38 passes for three touchdowns and throw no interceptions.

No, must be something else.

Maybe the Falcon defensive linemen are sneaking oil cans onto the field in their hip pads. Or maybe they spit on the ball just as Miller is winding up.

Miller returned from the shower stalls.

“You figure it out yet?” Miller said to a writer.

Sorry, still working on it.

A stab in the dark is taken.

Perspiration, perhaps?

Miller smiled and continued to finish dressing.

But, if it was perspiration, how did it get there?

“I don’t want to get into it,” Miller said as he stood up.

Then, he lowered himself into a center’s position and mimicked someone snapping the ball against a sweaty right calf. And he winked.

There it is, then: The problem with the Ram offense Sunday was between Bern Brostek’s legs.

Drayton would have liked to have testified on Miller’s behalf, but, as usual, he didn’t touch the football. Drayton never does. He remains the most physically imposing and impressive decoy in the NFL--to be seen, not targeted--and the only football that came his way in Atlanta flew over his head like a 747 lifting off the runway.

“He just overthrew it,” Drayton said. “Nothing you can really do about that. Chris said it slipped on him a little bit. Nothing you can do about it.”

Same thing the boos, which followed Miller everywhere he went. Falcon fans booed him before his first play and after his last, cursing him as he walked into the tunnel after the final gun.

“I’ve heard worse, believe me,” Miller said, shrugging. “Fans are fans. They’ve got the right. I’m a visitor now. And I didn’t please everybody while I was here. We had a couple good years, but things went downhill after that.”

On the bright side, however, Miller noted that he escaped serious injury on the field that reached up and chomped on his knee twice during his five seasons with the Falcons.

“It is a relief to come off that field healthy,” he observed.

The next time Miller returns, be sure to remind him: Bring a towel.