LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Hillary Clinton raising $500,000 for Dianne Feinstein at a dinner: “That’s nothing. Next day, Mike Huffington had breakfast by himself and raised $10 million.”

Hamilton, on whether O. J.’s lawyers will let him testify: “The jury will know if he’s telling the truth or lying. They’ve seen him in those ‘Naked Gun’ movies and know that he can’t act.”

Jay Leno, on O. J.’s frequent in-court whisperings to attorney Robert Shapiro, who generally just nods: “I figured out what’s going on. O. J. is asking him, ‘Is this line of questioning going to cost me extra?’ ”

Judge Lance Ito is still furious with KNBC for repeatedly saying DNA tests have proven that Nicole Brown Simpson’s blood was found on O. J.’s footwear. Says comedy writer Tony Peyser: “It I were Ito, I’d tell Tracie Savage to put a sock in it.”

Peyser, on Haitian civilians ransacking Cap-Haitien over the weekend: “Among the looters was Damian (Football) Williams, who later claimed that he ‘just got caught up in all the excitement.’ ”

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Science and airline update: Leno, on a study that says male monkeys take seven seconds to complete intercourse, while the average man takes two minutes: “Of course, with the monkey, there is a far greater chance that he will talk to you afterward.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on scientists discovering that ancient Greece and Rome also suffered from dangerous air pollution levels: “They also reported UV indexes fluctuating between VII and XXIV.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on new genetically engineered mice that are meaner than average mice: “The procedure was done by combining the DNA from a regular mouse with that of Leona Helmsley.”

Miller, on the 100-plus starlings sucked into an engine of a United Airlines plane that flew through a flock: “It was the first time in history that passengers were offered seconds during meal service.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on American Airlines cutting 3,600 jobs: “Employees say they don’t like the callous, careless way they were informed. They say they’re being treated like luggage.”

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That’s show biz: Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee was involved in a scuffle outside a Hollywood nightclub recently and, at one point, took a swing at a cop whom he had mistaken as a brawler. The fight started when someone mistook Lee for a musician.

-- Premiere Radio/Morning Sickness

The new Rolling Stones’ Visa card allows male cardholders to accumulate bonus points toward a free prostate exam.

-- Bob Mills

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While having dinner Friday, reader Darlene Basch of L. A. and her family discussed the O. J. case and how angry Judge Ito was about leaks, allegedly from the police department. Later, her son, 7, asked:

“Mom, how bad was the flood?”