It Doesn’t Take a Genius to Know This Means Trouble

Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle, on Stanford football Coach Bill Walsh:

“(Walsh) has been scrambling this week to play down and semi-deny his calling Notre Dame Coach Lou Holtz a ‘spoiled brat’ two years ago.

“This despite the fact that scientific research has proven that Lou Holtz is a spoiled brat, not to mention a whiny twerp.”

Holtz might have added incentive when his team plays the Cardinal today in South Bend, Ind.

Trivia time: Who holds the NCAA Division I-A record for most touchdowns on kickoff returns? Sweet Seventeen: Reader Paul Bergman of Los Angeles relates this story of late tennis star Vitas Gerulaitis:

After Gerulaitis had defeated Jimmy Connors in a match, an announcer asked him how he was finally able to do so after having lost to Connors 16 consecutive times.

Replied Vitas: “Hey, nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row!”

Secret agent: Dallas Cowboy Coach Barry Switzer, defending his hands-off coaching style, took a jab at former coach Jimmy Johnson.

“Jimmy didn’t coach, he marched around out there on the field,” Switzer said. “I’m more of a behind-the-huddle (coach).”

A what?

Rebuttal: Johnson, wondering why Dallas owner Jerry Jones wants him to stop criticizing the Cowboys:

“In my role now--with Fox, HBO and as a newspaper columnist--I’m paid to give opinions and criticism.

“They can’t just be about 27 teams and not the Cowboys. “They’ve trashed me for the last few months too.”

Ho hum: Harold McLaren, 60, recently got a hole in one for the fourth time on the same hole--the 125-yard eighth at the Tanner Valley Golf Club in Syracuse, N.Y.

“I’m very, very, very lucky, yes, indeed,” McLaren said. “My friends are kind of amazed,” he said.

No place to go: From David Letterman: “A recent poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe there is baseball in heaven. Unfortunately, of that number, 95% believe the Mets have been mathematically eliminated for eternity.”

Suggestion: Woody Woodburn in the Ventura Star-Free Press: “The Raiders should replace the Pirate decal on their helmets with one of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”

Cough it up: Discontinued bowl games include the Cigar and Smoke bowls.

Looking back: On this day in 1977, a crowd of 75,646 watched soccer’s greatest star, Pele, play his last game in East Rutherford, N.J.

Pele played the first half with the New York Cosmos and the second half with his former team, Santos of Brazil.

Trivia answer: Anthony Davis of USC with six, 1972-74.

Quotebook: Houston Astro second baseman Craig Biggio on his ability as a hitter: “The odds are you may get one pitch to hit the whole game and you had better be ready for it. I usually end up taking it.”