When It Comes to Political Jokes, It’s Hard to Beat Bob

Why is it that no matter how seriously anyone tries to treat Bob Dornan and his various political ordeals, inevitably it verges on the comic? Bob Hope has been in show business for what, 70 years, and trust me, he’s got nothing on Dornan. At some point, you just have to shake your head and ask how this guy keeps coming up with new material.

As Dornan heads into the homestretch of what he says will be his last congressional election campaign, it’s clear his legacy will not be as a legislator but as a performer. He’s essentially harmless in Congress, so maybe even his opponents should just sit back and try and enjoy the act. We may not see his like for a long time.

The latest flap surrounding the eight-term congressman is vintage Dornan. That is, it began as pseudo-legitimate political drama and ended up with cream pies and seltzer bottles. As usual, Dornan did the tossing and squirting.

The issue was Dornan’s occasional assertion that he had been involved in the civil rights movement in the South and even attended the historic 1963 march in Washington, D.C. Given Dornan’s record for conservatism, his Democratic opponent, Mike Farber, was highly skeptical and planned a trap the next time Dornan mentioned it.

Predictably, Dornan did so, and Farber sprung the trap. He produced a disclaiming letter from civil rights leaders who, in addition to saying they doubted Dornan had been involved in the movement, also condemned his voting record on civil rights.

They no doubt assumed they were on safe ground in questioning Dornan’s appearance at the march. After all, it was 31 years ago. It’s not like Dornan could actually prove he was there, among the hundreds of thousands.

A trifling matter to the bearded one.

Somehow, Dornan’s staff found a photograph in the Library of Congress that shows part of the crowd of thousands facing the Lincoln Memorial on that August day in 1963. Three rows deep in the audience is a man wearing an Air Force hat and dark aviator glasses.

Dornan says it’s he in the picture, although to be honest, I think it looks more like Van Heflin.

Whaddya gonna do? Either Dornan has seen “Forrest Gump” one too many times, or he’s come up with the perfect squelch.

What’s next, Bob Dornan at Woodstock?

If nothing else, with Bob Dornan you always get a punch line.

This is all faintly reminiscent of a scene several years ago when Dornan and his wife, Sallie, got into it with gay-rights activists. At one point, Sallie stunned the crowd by saying her brother had AIDS. Dornan was stunned too, saying later he didn’t know about it. Neither, as it turned out, did Sallie’s brother, who said he didn’t have AIDS.

Not to mention Dornan’s suggestion that refugees from Southeast Asia be sent to Kuwait to help rebuild the country after the Persian Gulf War.

Not to mention his hint that Bill Clinton may have contacted the KGB while a college student visiting Moscow.

Not to mention the “family secret” that he had physically abused his wife many years ago. The allegations were mentioned in divorce papers his wife filed, then withdrew. But when the Dornans publicly addressed the matter in 1993, Sallie Dornan said her allegations were untrue and that she made them while dependent on alcohol and drugs.

The point is, you can’t embarrass this guy. He’ll call an opponent every name in the book, but when someone lobs a verbal grenade at him, he’s mortally offended at their dastardliness.

Orange County Democrats led us to believe they were going hard after Dornan this time around. They envisioned a campaign and even attached a name to it (“BeatBob”), as if they were boxing promoter Don King hyping a “Rumble in the Jungle” fights.

When I wrote a column earlier this year about how the Democrats were really going to take the gloves off this year, Dornan phoned and said, “It’ll never happen.”

Turns out he was right. The Democrats should have named their campaign “Shhh.”

The show is about over, though. Dornan has said he won’t run for Congress in 1996. He’ll probably be just outrageous enough over the next couple years to make sure he gets a talk show somewhere, leaving Orange County behind.

Democrats will say they’ll rejoice when that happens, but they haven’t come to grips with this question: With Dornan gone, what’ll they do for comedy around here?