LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on California ballot propositions on smoker’s rights, mandatory prison sentencing and services for illegal immigrants: “If all three are approved, it’ll be three puffs and you’re out of the country.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the math textbooks approved for use even though they didn’t meet state standards: “The Board of Education should have known by the titles: ‘2 + 2 = 5’, ‘Geometry Bites’ and ‘Math, Schmath--Just Use a Calculator.’ ”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the United States paying the salaries of Haiti’s army and police force as long as they agree not to do their jobs: “And in an extension of the offer made to Midwest American farmers, the Haitians will also be paid not to grow corn.”

Connor, on the Nobel Prize in Economics going to three scholars whose research included examining how people behave during poker games: “Another group of economists submitted similar findings. But when asked to support their report with data, they admitted they were only bluffing.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the advice Judge Lance Ito’s doctor gave to reduce his stress from the trial: “Go home, relax and read a good book.”

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Upchuck and Di: Jay Leno, on a poll revealing a majority of English people think that Prince Charlie is unfit to be king: “How do you think that makes him feel? People think he is unfit to sit on his butt with a crown and wave at people. How hard is that?”

Hamilton, on the prince saying he never loved Princess Di: “But he needed her to have those two handsome sons. When Chuck was a kid, the lifeguard used to holler at him to get out of the gene pool.”

How upset is the queen over Chuck’s comments about the royal family in a recent biography? Comedy writer Tony Peyser reports she now refers to him only as “the son formerly known as Prince.”

The once future king won’t say whether he’ll seek a divorce, says Mills: “But he does say he’s a great admirer of King Henry VIII.”

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Four devoutly religious women lived across the street from a bordello. They would watch the front door of the bordello and remark about everyone entering and leaving. As they looked one night, the first person to emerge was the pastor of a church the women didn’t attend. “Isn’t that shameful? A man of the cloth,” said one woman. “I always said that people who went to that church were bums.”

A few minutes later, they watched as their own pastor left. At first quiet, the woman spoke up again: “There must be someone real sick in there.”

--Ralph Zaldin, Laguna Hills *

While sitting in a bus waiting room, reader Susie Stock of Tarzana noticed that her 2 1/2-year-old daughter had begun peeling the paper off her new crayons. When her mom asked why she was doing that, the little girl replied:

“They are happier when they’re naked.”