Inexplicably, Houston Leaves Top Spot

THE COLLEGES

The season has passed the halfway point--too late for Notre Dame’s Lou Holtz or any other coach to redshirt his entire team. It’s also that melancholy time of the year when winless records begin to disappear.

The latest team to suffer such a blemish was Houston (1-5), a 39-33 winner (it hurts us to say that word) over the Smus (1-6). Bottom Ten selectors met in an emergency session afterward and activated Akron (0-6) for the No. 1 spot.

The Zips, who were shut out by some school named Central Michigan, 0-47, are coached by Gerry Faust. You may recall that Faust formerly coached Notre Dame, where he won zero national championships (one fewer than the legendary Holtz).

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Akron (0-6) 0-47, Central Michigan Holy Toledo 2. Stanford (1-4-1) 20-27, Yesterday U. Oregon State 3. Iowa State (0-6) 23-41, Kansas Oklahoma State 4. The Smus (1-6) 33-39, Houston Texas 5. Ga. Tech (1-5) 7-24, Virginia Maryland 6. San Jose State (1-5) 20-34, Washington Nevada 7. UCLA (2-5) 14-23, Oregon State Arizona 8. Electoral College Idle 1996 9. Mich State (2-4) 7-23, Ohio State Iowa 10. Ark. State (1-6) 6-15, Memphis Pacific

11. Wake Forrest Gump (2-5); 12. Kentucky (1-5); 13. New Mexico (1-6); 14. The Pitts (1-6); 15.-18. Pentagon (Coast Guard, Army, Navy, Air Force) (9-14); 19. Idle; 20. Tulsane (merger of Tulane and Tulsa) (3-9).

Mandatory suspended list: Houston (1-5) (for winning a game).

Rout of the Week: Arizona (5-1) over school whose identity will be withheld pending notification of next of athletic director.

THE PROS

This is a Bottom Ten bye week for Cincinnati (0-6). We won’t kick around the Bungles at all. Ah, but the Broncos . . .

It’s too bad that John Elway has to be stuck with a crummy team like Denver (1-5). It’s his own fault, though. Remember the team that originally wanted to draft him out of college? It’s a club that has won three times as many games as the Broncos--the powerful Indy Dolts (3-4).

Who knows? With Elway at the helm, the Dolts might even be 4-3.

Meanwhile, paced by the agile thinking of Buddy Ryan, Arizona won an exciting, if exhausting, two-out-of-three match with Washington over the weekend. Arizona edged the Redskins, 19-16, one day after Arizona had defeated Washington State, 10-7. Arizona State, meanwhile, was edged by Washington on Saturday, 14-35.

And how about the Giants’ explosive runner Rodney Hampton? He had a run longer than 20 yards Sunday for the first time in 471 attempts. Have you caught your breath yet, Rodney?

The rankings:

BOTTOM TEN SIX-PACK

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Denver (1-5) 28-31, K.C. San Diego 2. Houston (1-5) 8-11, Cleveland Philadelphia 3. New Orleans (2-5) 22-36, S.D. L.A. Rams 4. Washington (1-6) 16-19, Buddy Indy 5. Grampa Bay (2-4) Idle S.F. 6. Raiders (2-4) 17-20, Miami (Fla.) Atlanta

*

NFL’s BOTTOM 5 PHYSIQUES*

Tubby, Team Alleged Weight 1. Keith Sims, Miami 303 2. William Perry**, Philadelphia 335 3. Glenn Parker, Buffalo 305 4. Alphonso Taylor, Denver 310 5. Dave Richards, Detroit 310

*Preseason rankings by Muscle & Fitness magazine.

**Also known as Refrigerator.

A new definition of the two-way player? NBC’s Dick Enberg referred to one hard-rushing Raider defensive lineman this way Sunday: “Jerry Ball is unable to stop the penetration of Jerry Ball.”

Fans will be arguing over this one for years: New Orleans Coach Jim Mora said, “A year ago . . . I was standing up there before them at 5-2. This year, I was standing up before the team at 2-5. This year’s team would beat last year’s team.”