Just in Case Whistles Put You to Sleep

For everyone who missed Sunday night’s 13-3 defeat to the Kansas City Chiefs because their televisions were tuned to “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle” (mistakenly expecting it to be the George Foreman story), here is a complete rundown of 60 minutes of unforgettable Raider football:

(Or, to quote winning quarterback Joe Montana: “Fortunately, we made one big play, which is one more than they did.”)

--Throw ball to Tim Brown. Intercepted. Give ball to Harvey Williams. Give ball to Williams. Throw ball to Brown. Penalty on Raiders. Jeff Hostetler runs for his life. Punt.

--Give ball to Williams. Give ball to Williams. Throw ball to Williams. Hostetler runs for his life. Give ball to Williams. Penalty on Raiders. Throw ball to Brown. Give ball to Williams. Punt. Penalty on Raiders.

--Give ball to Williams. Throw ball to somebody else! (Tom Rathman). Give ball to Williams. End of quarter. Throw to somebody else! (Andrew Glover). Throw to Brown. Give ball to Williams. Give ball to Williams. Throw ball to Brown. Penalty on Raiders. Two passes to somebody else.

--Give ball to Williams. Give ball to Williams. Give ball to Williams. Throw ball to Brown. Penalty on Raiders. Miss field goal. Penalty on Raiders. Penalty on Raiders.

--Throw ball to Brown. Give ball to Williams. Give ball to Williams. Throw ball to Brown. Throw to somebody else! (Alexander Wright). Give ball to Williams. Penalty on Raiders. Throw ball to somebody else! (Glover). Penalty on Raiders. Throw ball to Brown. Make field goal.

--Give ball to Williams. Give to Williams. Throw to Brown. Give to Williams. Give to Williams. Punt.

--Throw to Brown. Give to Williams. Throw to Brown. Give to Williams. Hostetler runs for life. Throw to Brown. Penalty on Raiders. Throw to Brown. Offsetting penalties. Punt.

--Throw to somebody else (Rocket Ismail). Give to Williams. Hostetler runs for life. Miss field goal.

--Throw to Brown. Give to Williams. Throw to Brown. Punt.

--Throw to somebody else (Glover). Give to Williams. Throw to Brown. Throw to somebody else (Glover). Throw to Brown. Punt.

--Throw to Williams. Throw to Williams. Hostetler runs for life. Punt.

--Throw to Brown. Throw to Brown. Penalty on Raiders. Penalty on Raiders. Throw to Williams. Throw to Williams. Throw to Brown. Throw to somebody else (Glover). Penalty on Raiders. Throw twice to somebody else (Calvin Jones and Glover). Hostetler runs for life. Fumbles.

--Throw to Williams. Throw to Brown. Throw to somebody else (Ismail). Throw to Brown. Intercepted. Game over.

Bore you?

Sorry.

Fifteen yards for boring is the only penalty the Raiders didn’t get.

“There were an awful lot of penalties. We had motion penalties. We had entirely too many holding penalties,” said the coach of these guilty parties, Art Shell, who had better start reteaching these people the rules or threatening them with stiff fines.

This team has more flags than the United Nations.

False start on Chester McGlockton. False start on Greg Skrepenak. Another false start on Skrepenak. Face mask on James Trapp. False start on Ismail. False start on Kevin Gogan. Unsportsmanlike conduct on Gogan. Offside on Winston Moss. False start on Raider line. False start on Robert Jenkins. Offside on Albert Lewis. False start on Jenkins again. Unsportsmanlike conduct on Skrepenak. Holding on Steve Wisniewski. False start on Skrepenak again. Illegal motion on unidentified player. Unsportsmanlike conduct on “Raider bench.”

Flags, flags, flags.

The problem wasn’t the Chiefs. The problem was the handkerchiefs.

For example, every time Neil Smith of the Chiefs inched, some Raider flinched.

Skrepenak: “The new rule is, if he entices you to move, then the foul is on the defense. But I quickly learned that he has to cross the neutral zone.”

I don’t care if he crosses into the dead zone, the ozone or the white zone at LAX for immediate loading or unloading, this false-start nonsense has got to stop.

And what is with this Raider offense, anyway? When did Hostetler start ditching the ball right into the paws of opposing players, or carrying it with one hand until he gets stripped from behind? And must he look for Brown or Williams on play after play? Only one pass to Ismail? (Incomplete). One pass to Wright? (Incomplete). Are these guys covered or invisible or what?

Wright is a starter. I mean, this man starts for an NFL club at wide receiver. Know how many catches Wright has? Seven. Seven in nine games.

Ismail has 16. That is not even two a week. The late, great James Jett has five. The forgotten Daryl Hobbs has five. Remember them from the exhibition season? Apparently, that was the last time either was open.

“This is the National Football League, and nothin’ happens easy in this league. Nothin’!” exclaimed Coach Marty Schottenheimer, big chief of Arrowhead Stadium, doing his always popular Tina Turner impression.

Save the Lombardi bull, Marty. The Raiders have been beaten seven consecutive times in Kansas City. They play at Arrowhead like they have arrows in their heads.

Somebody blow a whistle. This whole season has been one big false start.