Suitor Tutor

Mike--we’ll call him Mike--was about to go into the game. True, it was only a practice game, but his nerves were jangling like wind chimes.

His coach, Paul Whittemore, was doing his best to get Mike mentally prepared. Don’t forget eye contact. Keep control of the situation. Maintain your confidence. Be nonchalant. Do not let any nervousness show. Score quickly, then get out of there.

Mike edged toward the door, opened it and entered.

It was worse than he’d expected. She was beautiful. The figure of a professional dancer in training, the looks of an NFL cheerleader. She had been both, in fact, with the brains of a teacher to boot.

She sat in the waiting room thumbing through a magazine. As he entered, she looked up and smiled. The game had begun.

To make a painful story short, Mike fumbled the ball. His conversation was abrupt, his anxiety was apparent and he panicked and forgot to ask for her phone number, which was the whole point of the exercise.

Not an untypical start here at the Date Coach, the training camp for the romantically challenged.

Run by Whittemore, a clinical psychologist, at his offices near John Wayne Airport, the Date Coach aims to teach men and women--but mostly men--why they are not attracting the type of dates they want.

No hopeless cases need apply. The Elephant Man would be wasting his money. People with serious emotional problems are referred instead to Whittemore’s psychological practice.

The people who see the Date Coach, Whittemore says, don’t really have trouble getting dates. They just want to do better.

“By and large, they are very, very successful people. It’s not just the fact that I’m located in Newport Beach and these sessions are $80 each. They are professionals and very highly functioning.” These kind of people consult coaches to improve their golf or tennis games, Whittemore says. So why not get coaching for the Big Game?

“I tell people, you can’t not play the game. I’m talking about the courtship game that has been guided by evolutionary forces for hundreds of millions of years. You can play it well or play it badly, but you must play it.”

The Date Coach will not teach you how to forge lasting, meaningful relationships. He teaches only the opening moves--how to get a phone number, set up a first date and conduct it so it could lead to more.

But that is not as easy as it sounds, says Mike. He’s 35, lives in upscale Corona del Mar, brings home about $150,000 a year, has average looks and is in shape, but he was striking out with the women he found attractive.

“Some guys just come by it naturally, and other guys, it’s a complete mystery. Me, it’s a mystery. It’s what I missed out on when I was in high school. I didn’t date until college, and I had no idea how to do it.

“Trying to approach a stranger when you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself is frightening. Having someone coach you--you know, ‘This is how the game is played’--it was contrary to almost everything I’d come to believe.”

*

That’s not surprising, says Whittemore, because recent beliefs have been founded on a fallacy. Psychologists, and people in general, are rediscovering the basic differences between what the sexes find attractive in one other. While men and women have been moving toward political, social and economic equality during the last 30 years, “equality does not mean sameness,” he says.

The fallacy, he says, was the assumption that since men and women should be treated and paid equally for equal work, “that must mean at the heart of the matter, except for obvious anatomical differences, they must be the same. This is a very, very big mistake.

“Men of my generation, the baby boomers, grew up at a time when we were taught not only to regard women as social and economic equals but to treat them the way we would want to be treated. So men started treating women by being overly compliant and overly deferring to their judgment--’Where would you like to go? It doesn’t matter to me.’ And the women were turned off by this, because the men came across as indecisive and weak and too eager to please.”

On the other hand, Whittemore says, women absorbed the same cultural fallacy, “and they tried to relate to men in a way that they knew they would be impressed by. They were impressed by signs of accomplishment, power, success and wealth. Emphasizing their own achievements proved effective in their professional lives, but it wound up being a turnoff if they carried it over into their romantic lives.”

*

That’s just basic evolutionary psychology, says Leland C. Swenson, professor of psychology at Loyola Marymount University, who for eight years has studied and published articles on human sexual attraction.

“A lot of very complex human behavior is shaped by our evolutionary past,” Swenson says. The rigors of primitive times made most desirable the male who could provide the best nest and both provision and protect it. That lesson, genetically imprinted, accounts for the typical modern woman’s attraction to taller men possessing the symbols of accomplishment and means, Swenson says.

Likewise in primitive times, the most desirable females were the ones most likely be the best child-bearers. That translates today into the youth and beauty mystique that attracts the typical man.

Swenson’s study of what was most attractive to members of the Great Expectations video dating service in Los Angeles showed some striking confirmation of evolutionary psychology, he says. For example, the women who most frequently received invitations for a first date were the youngest--between 20 and 29. But men in the same age group received the fewest invitations; they were too young to have piled up significant resources, Swenson says.

Does this paint women as love mercenaries and men as domineering lechers?

Not at all, says Whittemore.

“One of the things I hope to do is correct a lot of the misplaced shame in our society over what people want. All the way through the various species we find the females being drawn to the dominant males, because they are going to be the best providers and best protectors for them and their offspring.

“Actually, I’d put it in a very positive sense: not that it’s not wrong but that it’s right. It shouldn’t be the only criteria, but I think there’s nothing wrong with that being a kind of instinctive pull.”

“I think he’s on the right track,” says Rosalyn M. Laudati, a clinical psychologist practicing in Newport Beach and Brea. “I don’t see anything disrespectful, really. Feminism, I think, has come full circle.

“In the ‘70s when feminism was hot, some women wanted to take command in courtship. Many bombed miserably and didn’t like it, so it’s fizzled. I think everyone’s much more comfortable about it now. We women don’t have to pay the tab to feel equal.

“That doesn’t imply that there hasn’t been a change in women becoming more independent, but there has been a return to more traditional courtship behaviors. Men and women just feel more comfortable with that.”

But many men have either forgotten or never learned the traditional skills, says Keiko Sharyn Faeta, who as one of Whittemore’s assistants has played the prospective date in perhaps 25 role-playing encounters.

“Some of these guys are attractive, you know,” she says, “but sometimes they can barely get away fast enough. They get so embarrassed. One man couldn’t ask for the number, and it was all pretend.

“It’s different for them when it comes to human relations. They’re good with stocks and figures, but when it comes to one-on-one eye contact, when they have to use personality and a bit of wit and charm to lure women to talk to them and maybe see them again, they lack the confidence.”

Mike admits that’s a description of him and the reason he signed up for coaching. His first session with Whittemore was a discussion of his past experiences and of just what flirting is for men and women. And there were guidelines--what to look for, what to do.

“The two of us talked about strengths,” Whittemore says. “It’s very important for people to know what their strengths are. Most of the people who come to me don’t fully appreciate the power and the attractiveness that they already have. They need the feedback on that.

“Secondly, there are things they can do--sometimes they’re just little things--that can make a huge difference. Eye contact, speaking more slowly, projecting relaxation and confidence, taking control of the conversation.

“It’s not game-playing in the sense of inauthenticity. It’s not a matter of being phony or violating individuality. It’s a matter of eliminating negatives and doing some things that are actually more true to yourself and therefore more attractive.”

When Mike arrived for the second session, he knew what was in store. “My mission, if I chose to accept it, was to go in strike up a conversation, get a phone number and get out. Which is a scary mission.”

Mike knew what the coach wanted. “His basic approach for getting a phone number is not much more than this: You identify someone who’s giving ‘approach me’ signals with her eyes, start up a conversation, and within the first three to five minutes you ask for a phone number. Then you go on a few more minutes, politely end it and leave. No promises, nothing. It’s kind of hit-and-run, which goes contrary to everything I thought.”

The tactic is designed to permit the woman the role that comes naturally--judging the attractiveness of the male and making the decision on whether the encounter should go any further. The man briefly displays confidence, wit and adroitness without any implication that he is romantically needy.

Sounds easy. It isn’t, says Mike.

He had trouble initiating a conversation, let it lapse several times, then became so intimidated he left without asking for the phone number. “She was very attractive, yeah. Part of the service is convincing you that you can approach some of these women, that they’re not out of your league.”

He did better on the next try with a different assistant. He got the phone number, then ambled away nonchalantly. “Paul says if you go in and hang around, they don’t like it. But if you just take off, it gets them to thinking, ‘Hey, he asked for a phone number, then walked away. What’s going on?’ ”

The next step is a telephone call to the assistant to set up a simulated first date--coffee at a coffee shop. “You don’t call back the first day,” Mike says. “They see that as kind of needy. By the time you call back the third or fourth day, hopefully she’s been thinking about you.”

Faeta, who has received a score of such training phone calls, says the students are supposed to propose a time and place and ask whether that’s convenient. “But some are so nervous they don’t even wait for a response. They don’t know how to relax and listen and be a little more spontaneous. My impression is that some are so nervous they write it out, but it comes off too scripty and weird.”

Then comes the actual simulated date. After each of these steps, the assistants report back to Whittemore, who then confers with and coaches his student.

“It sounds like he’s studied it very carefully, and I think it’s great what he’s doing.” says Laudati. “More men should go. I see of these these poor schlemiels who don’t know how to go to square one.”

But does it work? Mike says he thinks so. He stopped his coaching sessions when he started getting phone numbers out in the real world and one led to a serious relationship.

But after six months, it’s over, and Mike is back on the playing field and considering a brushup course. “It’s very hard. What I’m finding out as far as dating goes, it’s all a matter of confidence. I have asked women as attractive and more attractive than Keiko for phone numbers. I haven’t gotten them, but I’ve tried.

“It’s not necessarily a personal rejection--more like ‘I have a boyfriend’ or ‘I’m a lesbian’ or ‘I just broke up and hate men right now.’ Paul says the best hitters strike out seven out of 10 times. If you get one out of five phone numbers, you’re doing all right.

“But the relationship stuff beyond that, I still haven’t figured it out. But I don’t think anyone has.”

The Do’s and Don’ts of Flirting

Here are some of the tactics Paul Whittemore teaches clients at the Date Coach in Newport Beach:

Men How to Approach an Attractive Woman

* Establish eye contact.

* If her eye contact seems inviting, initiate a conversation.

* Project nonchalance.

* Avoid controversial or personal topics.

* Use humor; it is particularly effective.

* Project calmness and confidence.

* Project energy and vigor.

* Listen as well as talk, but retain control of the conversation.

* Give your first name with a smile.

* Ask for her telephone number.

* Once you have a telephone number, depart gracefully, making no promises.

Don’t . . .

* Wait for her to start the conversation.

* Jump the gun. Wait for the “go” signal in her eye contact.

* Appear too needy or too eager to please. This implies desperation, a turn-off.

* Focus on yourself or her in the conversation.

* Sound too serious. Don’t blame or complain except

in obvious jest.

* Mumble or talk too softly. This implies nervousness and lack of confidence.

* Relinquish control of the conversation.

* Conduct an interview. Chat, don’t interrogate.

* Put anyone down, especially yourself, even in jest.

* Overlook her comfort and interest levels. Back off if she is uncomfortable or bored. Women

How to Encourage a Man’s Approach

* Give warm, friendly eye contact.

* Smile.

* Occasionally, smile coyly; that is, look away, then back.

* Tilt your head, toss your head and touch your hair, which communicates that you’re interested in him.

* During his conversation, lean forward, nod and laugh or giggle when appropriate.

* Touch his hand or forearm.

How to Discourage a Man’s Approach

* Avoid eye contact.

* Be serious and intense.

* Take control of the conversation and be confrontational or oppositional.

* Be critical, complaining or blaming.

* Act cold and unyielding.

* Project independence and self-sufficiency.

* Project over-attachment to family, job or causes.

* Speak quickly, loudly and harshly.

* Show no appreciation of anything about him.

* Appear demanding.

* Project prudishness.

Copyright, Paul B. Whittemore, Ph.D.