Don’t Turn the Page! It’s My Sweeps Column!

“From the desert to the sea, to all of Southern California, a good evening. I’m Jerry Dunphy. Tonight, from Burbank, we introduce a special news magazine that will bring you up close and personal with today’s newsmakers.

“Perhaps you remember my dialogue with former President Nixon a few years back. Decades before that, Edward R. Murrow went ‘Person to Person’ with Eleanor Roosevelt. In that same great tradition in recent times, Tritia Toyota has gone ‘Face to Face’ with Judge Lance Ito, Connie Chung went ‘Eye to Eye’ with Faye Resnick, and Kelly Lange went ‘Cheek to Cheek’ with Heidi Fleiss.

“So tonight we proudly introduce ‘Hype to Hype!’ because, to quote Judge Ito, ‘It’s sweeps week.’ Our first report comes from our ace investigative reporter. He’s the award-winning journalist who broke the story about the time-logged KCBS videotape that inaccurately showed that prosecutor Marcia Clark had entered O.J. Simpson’s estate before the judge approved the search warrant! Maybe Harvey Levin had it wrong, but he had it first! Harvey, I understand you have something in common with our first guest.”

“That’s right, Jerry. But first let me say it’s an honor to work with you. America will never forget the Nixon-Dunphy summit. As you mentioned, Jerry, my first guest, like me, isn’t just a TV personality. No, he’s also an attorney at law. Just like me! Tonight, I’m going ‘Hype to Hype!’ with that brilliant barrister, Johnnie Cochran.”

“It’s good to be here, Harvey.”

“Mr. Cochran. Don’t think your smooth talk will work on me. Your partner on the Simpson defense team, Mr. Shapiro, said in open court that race would not be a factor in this trial. You, however, have complained that the prosecutors were trying to exclude black jurors. Today, the jury is predominantly African American. And now you are complaining that the D.A. wants to add a black deputy district attorney to the prosecution team.”

“That’s right.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. Cochran, but is it not true that you yourself are African American?”

“I can’t deny it.”

“So my question, Mr. Cochran, isn’t your criticism of the D.A. a little like the pot calling the kettle . . . “

“African American? The answer is no. Absolutely not. Race has nothing to do with the defense of Mr. Simpson. It’s the prosecution and the media who are trying to make race an issue. Not us. Goodness, we want to try this case on the evidence!”

“Mr. Cochran, just one more question. If you could be a tree . . . “

“What kind of tree would I be? Hmmm . . . I think I’d be a rubber tree.”

“Interesting. Why’s that, Mr. Cochran?”

“Well, we have a saying in the courtroom: ‘I’m rubber, and you’re glue. Anything you say bounces off me, and sticks to you.’ ”

“Ah, yes. The words of Oliver Wendell Holmes. Thank you, Mr. Cochran . . . Jerry?”

“Thank you , Harvey. A fascinating meeting of the minds. Our next report comes from sportscaster Jim Hill. Jim used to play pro football! He’s the reporter the players trust!”

“Thank you, Jerry. Keep the faith. And speaking of faith, I’m going ‘Hype to Hype!’ with a big man who has kept the faith of friendship. Yes, people who say that a dog is man’s best friend have never met my old gridiron buddy, the one and only Al Cowlings!”

“Nice to see you, Jim.”

“It’s good to see you, big guy! You know, you had us worried. The way you ran interference for the Juice, a lot of people thought the D.A. was going to throw the flag!”

“No comment.”

“No problem! You don’t want to say anything that could get you in trouble! But let’s talk about your main man, the Juice! Tell us everything you know about that fateful night in Brentwood!”

“No comment.”

“I hear ya, Al! What you’re saying is that, sometimes, keeping the faith is about keeping silent. Hey, sometimes it’s even about taking the Fifth! Am I right?”

“I have absolutely, 100% no comment.”

“And you always gave 110% on the field! Thanks for joining us, my man!”

“Always glad to help a friend, Jim.”

“Hey, I’ll keep that in mind! Keep the faith! Back to you, Jerry.”

“Thank you, Jim, for that heartwarming report. Unfortunately, we’re running out of time, so tune in next week as John Tesh goes ‘Hype to Hype’ with Barney the Dinosaur, Mary Hart goes ‘Hype to Hype’ with Kimberly, the pink Power Ranger, and Rush Limbaugh goes ‘Hype to Hype’ with Rush Limbaugh. And now, we’ll sign off with Todd Donaho’s special ‘Take-a-Hike.’ ”

“Thanks, Jer. Tonight’s Take-a-Hike goes to all those jealous cheap-shot artists out there who just love to rip people who make an honest living protecting the people’s right to know. So Howard Rosenberg, this thumb’s for you! Take-a-hike! “