LAUGH LINES : JOKES

Post-polling depression: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Democrats: “They’ve already nailed down the planks for the President’s new platform. All that’s left are the beams for his gallows.”

Connor, on Clinton’s move to the right: “Republicans are ecstatic. They know a ‘Going-Out-of-Business Sale’ when they see one.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Democratic state chairmen meeting at DisneyWorld: “They weren’t shown much respect when they entered the park. Mickey Mouse was wearing a Bill Clinton wristwatch.”

Hamilton, on Sen. Jesse Helms questioning Clinton serving as commander in chief: “Helms knows all about combat. He’s still fighting the Civil War.”

Some Democrats who barely won reelection are now trying to appeal to the powerful Religious Right by saying they go to church regularly. Comedy writer Tony Peyser doubts the evangelicals will buy it: “They weren’t ‘born again’ yesterday.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on a study that ranks the most difficult sentences in the English language to say with a straight face: “First place went to: I’d like to introduce you to Congressman Bono. “

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In the news: Peyser, on speculation of yet another person joining the O.J. defense team: “Word is that comic Flip Wilson will coordinate a possible ‘the Devil Made Me Do It’ pleading.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a detective in the Heidi Fleiss trial who posed as a customer, saying he pretended to be rich because nothing would have happened if he was the Maytag repairman: “Obviously, he’s never seen an X-rated movie.”

Mills, on animal rights activists carrying “Free Spike the Lobster” signs at a Gladstone’s restaurant: “The 12 1/2-pound Spike is estimated to be 65 years old. And he claims to have once worked as an extra on ‘The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau.’ ”

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That’s entertainment: Reader R. Alex Kaseberg of La Jolla, on rocker David Crosby receiving a liver transplant Sunday: “Meanwhile, the artist formerly known as Prince is still waiting for a suitable name donor. His body rejected Otis Spunkheimer.”

Kaseberg, on reports of a breakup in the Richard Gere-Cindy Crawford marriage: “What? They seemed so normal--compared to Lyle and Julia, Roseanne and Tom, and Michael and Lisa Marie.”

Connor, on Sony’s $2.7-billion write-off on its Hollywood studio subsidiary: “That was quick! It took the Japanese only a couple years to master Hollywood-style bookkeeping.”

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Reader Huston Huddleston says that he recently ran into actor Christopher Lloyd, who starred in “Back to the Future” films, and asked which of the three movies in the series was his favorite.

Lloyd replied: “I would have to say ‘The Empire Strikes Back.’ ”