It Could Be One-Sided as a Duck Hunt

So, now it’s Penn State vs. Oregon in the Rose Bowl. Oh, swell!

It might be a tough ticket. Oregon hasn’t been there in 37 years. Penn State hasn’t been there in 72.

But if you can’t get to see the Nittany Lions dine on roast Duck, don’t despair. Here are a few things you can do to get the same effect:

1. Pull wings off butterflies.

2. Watch Gestapo home movies.

3. Jacklight deer in your headlights for a couple of good old boys with automatic rifles.

4. Kick a dog, tie a can to a cat.

5. Go see the movie “The Hindenburg” again.

6. Get newsreels of the bombing of Rotterdam.

7. Send a whole bunch of restaurant menus to the starving people in Bangladesh.

8. Read yourself to sleep with the log of the last night on the Titanic.

9. Get permission to watch operations at General Hospital or film autopsies at the county morgue.

10. Poison bird baths.

What I’m trying to say is, a matchup like this should be covered by the Marquis de Sade. If Penn State should play anybody whose colors are green and gold, it should be the Green Bay Packers. This game makes David and Goliath look like a “pick-’em.” It’s as one-sided as a flood.

Consider that Penn State ran up 61 points on Iowa and 63 on Ohio State and 56 on Minnesota--sometimes on days when Oregon was losing to Hawaii, 36-16, and Utah, 34-16, and you get the idea. The Nittany Lions might not have known if Hawaii showed up if they played them. Penn State has scored 467 points in 10 games. That’s not a team, it’s an explosion.

Penn State has about three players who are legitimate Heisman Trophy candidates. The chances are, their varsity will be in the Super Bowl two years from now, representing somebody.

Maybe Oregon should tell everybody they can’t make it. They got a dentist’s appointment. For the whole team. At that, they may need one by the end of the game. Bring a letter from their doctor excusing them from the game. Don’t show up for the game. Just fax it in. Take a pass.

You see, the trouble is, Penn State can’t simply win this game; it’s got to overwhelm it. It’s got to be Little Big Horn all over again. Take no prisoners.

You see, it’s this way: Now that they’ve won the Big Ten title and achieved one of their life’s ambitions of going to the Rose Bowl, the Nittany Lions have to deal with their other goal--to be national champions. To make that, they will have to wear out the scoreboard.

The trouble is, Nebraska is the national champion at the moment in all the polls. Now, Nebraska will be playing a very good Miami team on New Year’s Night in the Orange Bowl.

If the Cornhuskers win that, Penn State cannot go anywhere by beating Oregon the next day, say, 21-7 or 17-10. So, Penn State and its coach, Joe Paterno, have to make it a wipeout. They have to make Little Big Horn look indecisive.

So it won’t really be a game. It’ll be a recital. “Chopsticks” for 22 hands. Oregon is merely the piano, the fiddle, the libretto. Penn State will be the artist, the soloist.

Oregon is in big trouble. So is ABC, which has to televise this execution.

They could blindfold Oregon, bring the Ducks a last cigarette. Or, they could modify the rules.

This is our standard cure for mismatches of this kind, but here’s what they should do:

1. Give Oregon five downs, instead of four, to make a first down.

2. Make Penn State go 15 yards for a first down or give the Nittany Lions only three downs to make a 10-yard first down.

3. Make Penn State give the Ducks a notarized copy of the game plan, together with the blocking assignments, the play count and cadence and routes run. Failure to comply shall result in the ball going over to Oregon at the spot of the infraction.

4. Restrict Penn State’s passes to designated receivers they have advised Oregon about. No substitutions.

5. Reduce the value of Penn State touchdowns to three points. Field goals by Penn State should be illegal. In fact, Penn State shouldn’t be allowed to kick at all.

6. Fill the end zone Penn State is aiming for with alligators.

7. Make sure every Penn State player is a bona fide student who passed his own SAT, and once took a course that somebody heard of.

8. Overlook fumbles by Oregon and interceptions by Penn State.

9. Restrict Penn State to 10 men on the field, nine when the Nittany Lions are inside Oregon’s 20.

10. Eliminate taunting. Anybody who says, “Where’s Oregon, is it near the United States?” or “What’s Eugene a suburb of?” gets summarily tossed out of the game.

None of that would guarantee that Oregon would win the game. But with those rules in effect, the Ducks should beat the spread. Which should be Penn State by 50.