TV Review : ‘Madonna’: A Ludicrous Tale With Unintentional Laughs

You know just from the title alone that the TV movie “Madonna: Innocence Lost” has got to be good. If Milton were writing today, really, can anyone doubt this is the story he would tell?

Not that the title is representative of what sort of tragic story arc might ensue in this putrid pre-stardom saga (“Madonna: The Brunette Years” would’ve been better), or that there’s any paradise to fall from: Even in flashbacks, the fictionalized M. Ciccione is already a ruthlessly ambitious, boy-hungry brat without an innocent impulse in her noggin.

But oh , there are laughs. The movie Madonna’s voice-over narration (written by Michael Murray, who penned one of the Menendez brothers pictures) gets a rollicking start with transitional gems like: “When I finally lost my virginity, I considered it a career move. My first one. There’d be many more. Starting with New York . . . “

The psychology here is as swift as the exposition. Near the end, as Madonna walks out on her longtime manager--just as she has walked out on every lover and/or steppingstone in her career--said manager angrily blurts out the sad subtext, apropos of nothing: “Did this all start up when your mother died? Were you just so beat up that you decided to stop feeling anything? YOU’RE STILL UNDER CONTRACT!”

Of course, in a narrative that covers only the years just prior to Madonna’s superstardom, there’s a lot of facts-fudging to suffer between the odd moments that a line like “This bellybutton is gonna make us a fortune!” pops up to make it all worthwhile.

Comedy fans can pass the slack times by debating whether relative newcomer Terumi Matthews, least to blame here, looks and acts materially enough like Madonna for the job. By consensus, the gum-snapping mouth and doe eyes have it--although a script mostly devoid of intentional humor (and deadly when it strains for wit) doesn’t exactly realistically serve the real Madonna’s sarcasm.

Madonna is probably thanking her lucky star this tell-little tell-all turned out so ludicrous. Director Bradford May (of “Amy Fisher: My Story” fame) appears not to have had a clue, though you have to treasure a movie that has as its climactic epiphany the unsealing of a bottle of peroxide.

* “Madonna: Innocence Lost” airs at 8 tonight on Fox (Channels 11 and 6).