LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Richard Montoya of the Dead Joke Society, on Monday evening’s aftershocks: “Many people in Northridge reached for their bottles of FEMA-barbitol.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on White House reaction to Newt Gingrich’s charge that up to 25% of Clinton’s staff had used drugs in the last five years: “Chief of Staff Leon Panetta sent Newt an angry note. Unfortunately, it was written on Zig-Zag paper.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Gingrich’s allegation: “That’s a very serious charge. He’s saying that 75% of Clinton’s people were completely out of touch with their generation.”

Conan O’Brien, on the new movie “Cobb”: “This is a movie about a hateful, abrasive man from Georgia. Apparently, they’re trying to capitalize on the popularity of Newt Gingrich.”

Steve Clow, on Orange County investments losing $1.5 billion in value: “Maybe the supervisors should consider moving the county with the Rams to St. Louis.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on research linking smoking to impotence: “It kind of evens things out. Smoking shortens your life, and going without sex makes life feel a lot longer.”

Mills, on the Kennedy Center Honors: “They went to Kirk Douglas for films; Aretha Franklin, Pete Seeger and Morton Gould for music; Harold Prince for the stage, and Robert Shapiro for TV acting.”

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Among Lisa Marie’s Top 10 complaints about Michael Jackson, according to David Letterman:

* He keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara.

* It’s always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that . . .

* Chugs a couple of Buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like a SOB.

* The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants.

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A guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $100. After he signs up and pays the fee, the travel agent grabs a bat and knocks the man unconscious, ties some rope around him and throws him out the back door into the river.

Soon thereafter, another customer comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment.

Fifteen minutes later, as the two guys are floating down the river together, the first man asks: “I wonder if they are going to serve any food on this cruise?”

“I don’t know,” the second guy replies, “but they didn’t last year.”

--Mel Smith, Los Angeles

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Eagle Rock reader Joe Marinelli was substitute teaching a high school science class and talking about occupations. Everyone knew what an astronaut was, but when it came to aquanaut, the class was perplexed. Finally, one hand shot up and a female student shouted out:

“Aquanaut is a kind of hair spray.”