LAUGH LINES : Jokes
On the firing of Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders: Parents of teens were grateful: “As it is, we have enough trouble getting them out of the bathroom without teachers assigning homework to be done there.” (Sheri Lundberg)
* “It would give boys an excuse to steal their dad’s Playboy: ‘I have a big exam tomorrow.’ ” (Paul Ryan)
* “For this class, please: No show and tell! “ (Ryan)
* “It’s obvious that President Clinton has issued a ‘hands-off’ policy in the area of public education.” (Jerry Gilbert)
* “Elders told reporters she’s been offered a professorship at her alma mater--the Pee-Wee Herman School of Medicine.” (Bob Mills)
* “She turned out to be Earl Butz with a stethoscope.” (Mark Shields/CNN Capital Gang)
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In the news: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the death of Antonio Carlos Jobim, composer of “The Girl From Ipanema”: “During the funeral, his casket passed by the mourners. And when it passed, each girl it passed went, ‘Aaaaaah . . . ‘ “
Miller, on Viacom and a bank introducing a Star Trek MasterCard: “The only drawback is the high interest rate. It goes where no rate has gone before.”
Comedy writer Mills, on problems with more ATMs installed inside LAPD stations to discourage robbers: “When you press the withdrawal button, you have to wait 45 minutes for your cash to arrive.”
Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Democratic Sen. John Kerry’s engagement to the widow of GOP Sen. John Heinz: “You know liberals are scared when they’re marrying into the Republican Party.”
An original penciled copy of “The Night Before Christmas” was sold at an auction for $255,000. Comedy writer Alan Ray says the buyer was miffed, complaining that “when you pay that much for a poem, you’d think they’d at least type it up for you.”
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The Big Orange, revisited: Reader Cathleen Brown of Los Osos, on rumors Mexico is strengthening border patrol units: “Officials say the Mexican taxpayer cannot afford to bear the financial burden of undocumented Orange County bond investors.”
Reader Jerry Gilbert of Venice, on some of the more risky and exotic investments remaining in Orange County’s portfolio: “Two million shares of Z-Best stock, a warehouse full of polyester leisure suits, 25,000 Angels season tickets for 1995.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports that three O.C. school districts may run out of money in March: “Thousands of Santa Ana students immediately wrote former County Treasurer Robert L. Citron a thank-you note.”
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Reader E. Richard Stiehm of Santa Monica says his daughter, Jamie, was baby-sitting 2-year-old Trevor as he played in the sandbox. When it was time to leave, Jamie told the woman next to her that it was time to take the baby home. The boy, outraged, corrected his sitter:
“I’m not a baby, I’m a toddler!”