LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Christmas is especially joyous in Washington, D.C., notes comic Argus Hamilton. “Republicans plan to celebrate the birth of their blessed savior: Newt Gingrich turns 54 next week.”

Reader Mike Feron, on the Orange County investment fund debacle: “Someone finally tracked down the real cause of the bankruptcy. It seems that Orange County Treasurer Robert L. Citron used an IBM computer with an Intel Pentium chip to manage the portfolio.”

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A CEO hired a shrink to help him select a secretary. The shrink asked the first candidate, “What are three and three?”

“Six,” she said.

She waited outside.

The second woman suspected a trick, and answered, “‘Well, it might be 33,” and waited outside.

The third said, “Six or 33,” and waited outside.

The shrink said, “The first gave an obvious answer. The second suspected a trick. The third offered options. Which will you hire?”

“Oh,” said the CEO, “The blonde who looks like Dolly Parton.”

--Jackson Wilcox, Pearblossom

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the new Fish TV channel. Programming consists of a filled 55-gallon aquarium accompanied by background jazz music: “Casting directors have embarked on a nationwide search to replace one of the angelfish--it left to pursue a career in movies.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the eight used car dealers and mechanics who turned back odometers of 1,600 autos, cheating consumers out of $6.4 million: “The men claimed to be in their 50s, but authorities learned they also rolled back their ages and are actually in their 60s.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the groundbreaking of the International Museum of Cartoon Art in Florida: “In keeping with cartoon antics, shovels weren’t used. Instead, Wile E. Coyote blasted a hole in the ground with Ajax Co. dynamite. Meanwhile, Peanuts’ Charles Schulz’s inaudible opening remarks appeared in a balloon over his head.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on a report citing increasing teen drug abuse: “Signs include sluggishness, lack of motivation and unkept appearance; in other words, it’s impossible to tell.”

Peyser, on the Ohio sheriff who promises to ticket Amish buggy drivers refusing to place reflectors and lights on carriages because such items violate their religious beliefs: “Locals are more concerned with the low-rider buggies, ones with racing stripes and furry dice on the rear-view mirror.”

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Reader Judi Ballesteros of North Hills recalls watching TV with young niece Jessie. A feminine product spot was featured in a series of commercials. “I want to get some of those mini pads,” Jessie said. Before anyone in the room could react, she added:

“And I’m gonna get some Mickey pads for my brother too.”