LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Boris Yeltsin’s nose surgery: “It was so successful that he can now do the moonwalk.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on President Clinton’s middle-class tax cut: “To appease Republicans, families earning more than $150,000 a year will be given emergency subsidies for country club greens fees and beach house mortgages.”

On the other hand, reports Peyser, Republicans are very traditional when it comes to cutting social programs: “Women and children first.”

Jay Leno, on Joycelyn Elders last act as surgeon general: “She pardoned Pee Wee Herman.”

Leno, on the difficulties staging the show “A Christmas in Washington”: “Where are they going to find three wise men and a virgin?”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Hillary Clinton lowering her profile and spending much of her time visiting elementary schools: “Politics is a humbling business. In just one year, she’s gone from leading a revolution to singing ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider’ to 6-year-olds.”

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Like O.C.’s bond prices, the jokes keep falling:

* “A fool and his money are soon audited.” (Bob Vogel)

* “Brokers say Orange County will soon be back in the black. That means they’ve stopped betting on red.” (Hamilton)

* “O.C.’s woes continue to take their toll on Disneyland. Donald Duck says he can no longer afford his speech therapist.” (Mark Miller)

* “Orange County has conceded. Huffington hasn’t. No wonder--he’s got more money.” (Stan Kaplan)

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a million people losing power during a western U.S. blackout: “The last time this many people were in the dark was the ’92 presidential campaign.”

Alex Pearlstein of Redondo Beach, on rumors TBS may buy NBC: “Ted Turner’s wife, Jane Fonda, said she can hardly wait to get Willard Scott in a leotard and puffing like a steam engine.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Rep. Sonny Bono: “When he takes his seat on the House Judiciary Committee, he plans to protect his music by making sure that the legal definition of obscenity does not include just bad taste.”

Reader Ed Hartnett of Temple City, on naming a highway for living dignitaries such as Ronald Reagan: “It’s happened previously, and for a foreigner--the former prime minister of Israel. It’s called Begin Freeway.”

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Reader Kathy Moses of Fullerton says daughter Gina, 5, had made plans with friends. Mom told Gina that she must let the “chauffeur” know if she would need a ride. Later, in a discussion about Christmas, Moses asked Gina if she knew who drove Santa when he delivered his presents.

Replied Gina: “His mother?”