It’s Not <i> What</i> She Said, but How

Is the mood of the people such that an episode of a prime-time sitcom built around masturbation can win big ratings and awards, while political appointees who discuss its relevance to sex education get canned?

Well, sort of.

True, Jerry Seinfeld scored big with last year’s show about who could go the longest without resorting to, well, you know.

And true, Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders got fired because she suggested earlier this month at an AIDS conference that masturbation is “a part of human sexuality” and “a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”

But Elders’ remark was merely the last straw on the back of a political camel named Bill, whose knees were already weakened with the unexpected weight of some heavy midterm election baggage. The already staggering Clinton really had no choice in his effort to placate the Right; Elders had to go.

In firing Elders, however, the President did something that no casual answer to a question about AIDS prevention could.

He put masturbation on the front page. Way to go, Bill.

As the mother of a toddler who has lately been experimenting with her large collection of stuffed animals, I am somewhat relieved. It’s nice to know I am not the only adult in America thinking about teaching children about masturbation, which on reflection is rather like teaching them about candy.

Once they discover candy, they are rather prone to like it. It’s just that you want them to eat it at the appropriate times.

*

When the news of Elders’ firing hit the media last week, Debra Haffner began receiving calls from friends whose kids were suddenly asking about masturbation.

Haffner is executive director of the Sexuality Education and Information Council of the United States, a 30-year-old New York-based information clearinghouse and advocacy organization for individual sexual rights.

What, asked Haffner’s friends, should they tell the kids?

“What I told them to say was that touching your own genitals is called masturbation and that some boys and girls do it and some do not.”

Simple. Uncomplicated. And hardly controversial.

Nor should it be surprising that parents are at sea on this and have to ask for help. This is why most states have sex education curriculum, after all.

Here is what many sex educators think schoolchildren should know about masturbation:

* It is one way for people to express their sexuality.

* It is a way to give sexual pleasure without risking disease or pregnancy.

* Most people will do it at some point.

* Doing it or not doing it are both healthy choices.

* It does not cause physical or mental harm.

* Single and married people do it.

* It is a controversial topic and some people disapprove for religious reasons.

* Your palms will not grow hair if you do it.

* Nor will you go blind.

“It’s important to recognize that when both ‘Roseanne’ and ‘Seinfeld’ dealt with the issue this year, their ratings went up, but when a federal official talked about it, she got fired,” Haffner says.

“This is not an issue that is not talked about in the popular culture. But the word itself is so loaded. Maybe if Elders had said, ‘Master of His Domain’ (as masturbation was referred to in the Emmy-winning ‘Seinfeld’ episode), this would not have happened.”

Little sex-educator joke there.

*

Masturbation may not be fodder for conversation at most dinner tables in America, but it is certainly widely practiced.

According to the much-publicized sex survey published by University of Chicago researchers last fall, about 60% of men and 40% of women admitted to masturbating occasionally or frequently. (And what to make of these tidbits? The greater a person’s education and salary, the more likely they were to say they do it. And the only issue people were less comfortable discussing than masturbation was how much money they make.)

Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington, Seattle, has studied human sexuality for many years and finds it “both humorous and pitiful” that Americans are still talking about whether masturbation “is a good thing, or a moral thing, or whether this should be discussed in polite company. It feels good, and we are a pretty Puritanical society, so we are not so sure that feeling good is such a great idea.”

Sort of like candy.

Everyone loves it, but nobody wants to admit how much.