LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Monday was one of the year’s busiest days at U. S. airports and, reports comedy writer Alan Ray: “It was a touching scene: Millions of people tearfully saying goodby to their luggage.”

Comedy writer Mel Golob, on airport baggage handling: “Why do they call it a luggage carousel when your bags come off looking like they’ve been on a roller coaster?”

Ray, on the FAA stiffening rules for commuter planes: “You know you’re on a questionable shuttle when the in-flight reading material is supplied by the Gideon Society.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the Supreme Court’s ruling that a Little Rock man’s Christmas lights were a public nuisance: “They were so bright the crack dealers on the corner couldn’t count their change.”

Ryan, on the 900 number to pay for O.J.’s defense: “I have a better idea: Give out Robert Shapiro’s home phone number. Enough people start calling him at all hours and he’ll work for free.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on O.J.’s top New Year’s resolution: “Get faster car for Al Cowlings.”

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Also in the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on San Francisco’s new ban on discrimination against transvestites: “Now, whenever pedestrian lights flash ‘cross,’ these guys are free to change into a nice cocktail dress.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the 78-year-old Boston man who sent a burglar limping from his home after kicking him in the groin: “Police are looking for a 150-pound man in his late 20s with an extremely high voice.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the report that only 8% of those trying to quit smoking succeed: “But 73% of teens just learning to smoke eventually get the hang of it.”

Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove, on the Australian study that showed female birds were attracted only to handsome males: “But it was also noted that when a coin was placed near ugly male birds, the females flocked to them.”

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At a party, an elderly man was introduced to a top executive of a tobacco company. “You know, I’ve been smoking your brand of cigarettes for over 70 years, and still love them,” the old man said.

“Hey, that would make a great testimonial ad for us,” the executive replied. “Could you be at our office tomorrow at 10 a.m. to arrange the details?”

“My goodness, no,” said the old man. “I don’t stop coughing until noon.”

-- Richard P. Harman, Monarch Beach

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While working on his front lawn, Tarzana reader Erik Rhodes was talking to his neighbor’s daughter, 6. “Does your cat have any kittens?” she asked. Rhodes said no. “Why not?” she asked. “Because he’s a male cat,” Rhodes answered. The girl replied:

“Big deal. Get him a wife.”

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Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.